The ‘Live Chat’ Agent

I was told recently that there is not enough humor in the world, so I thought this would be a nice change from the 'deep thought' normally offered here.

While looking for a certain product to help with sleep apnea to send my dear elder auntie for her son, I chanced on this website that immediately threw up a window saying, “Wait! Our agent would like to talk to you. Please click 'CANCEL' on the next window to chat with our agent.”

So, accustomed to using Skype to talk to friends abroad, I out on my headset in hopes of hearing a person at the other end of the line. Instead, I found myself in a ‘live chat’ session with 'Heather,' the promised agent. This is the conversation that ensued.

Heather says: Don't leave yet! If you want a restful night's sleep CLICK HERE so everybody gets a good nights sleep. We feature a 90-day money back guarantee.

Heather says: Order now and we'll include a Bonus: [first bonus] DVD + [second bonus] book at NO EXTRA CHARGE.

You: you don’t need to shout. i’m right here

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: who are you

Heather says: I am a help agent, my name is Heather and I can answer most of your questions.

You: most?

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

Heather says: Wouldn't you love a great night's sleep? What are you waiting for CLICK HERE and order now so everybody gets a good nights sleep.

You: you do know that there's an apostrophe after the "t" in "night's"

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: you’re kinda ducking your job here, heather – pushing me off on someone else…

Heather says: yes

You: why is that?

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: there you go again

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: ai, yai, yai

Heather says: To order over the phone just call us at XXX-XXX-XXXX.

You: been looking for someone to talk to about representing the product. who might that be?

Heather says: To order over the phone just call us at XXX-XXX-XXXX.

You: you are a robot

Heather says: Of course I'm not real but wish I were :)

Heather says: I can answer most of your questions though.

You: no i need a person

Heather says: Sorry I didn't understand.

You: pretty good for a robot though

Heather says: Of course I'm not real but wish I were :)

Heather says: I can answer most of your questions though.

You: oops. i found your glitch ha ha

Heather says: Surgeons have discovered that snoring can kill. Stop snoring now.

You: i'm not snoring NOW… i only snore when i sleep

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: no i don't need any help snoring – I snore pretty well on my own, but thanks

Heather says: Of course I'm not real but wish I were :)

Heather says: I can answer most of your questions though.

You: yah, you told me that

Heather says: I can try to help, just ask me a question.

You: how old are you anyway?

Heather says: I'm fine, a little closed in today though.

You: must be close quarters for you, stuffed there in the motherboard

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: yah, but how old are you?

Heather says: I'm fine, a little closed in today though.

You: we covered that already. i got it, i got it

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: broken record?

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: much more of this conversation and i will be snoring

Heather says: Don't let snoring ruin your sleep. Get the [product name] and put an end to a bad night's sleep. CLICK HERE to order now.

You: have you whitened your teeth? they look pretty white in the picture

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: no, if I decide to whiten my teeth, i’ll go to a dentist

Heather says: Are you still there? Type "Hi" or "Hello" just to let me know.

You: hi

Heather says: Thanks! There's nothing worse than not getting a good night's sleep. If you are serious about feeling rested in the morning then order now by CLICKING HERE. [this product] is not sold in stores.

You: do you have apnea?

Heather says: [product name] can treat apnea but you should of course consult your physician. We offer a money back guarantee so CLICK HERE and start getting a better night's sleep.

You: do you use one?

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: does your boyfriend use one?

Heather says: Many people buy [product name] for their partner. Why not give it a try? We offer a money back guarantee.

You: got a boyfriend?

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: if you had a boyfriend, he'd be just some bytes stuffed in the motherboard too, wouldn't he?

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: girlfriend?

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: yah, it's hard being helpless.

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: ok, bye...

Heather says: You'll find [product name] is comfortable and effective. There's nothing worse than not getting a good night's sleep. CLICK HERE to order and I hope you start getting some rest.

You: ok, bye

Heather says: You'll find [product name] is comfortable and effective. There's nothing worse than not getting a good night's sleep. CLICK HERE to order and I hope you start getting some rest.

You: yah, i get it... bye now

Heather says: You've got nothing to risk with our money back guarantee, isn't a good night's sleep worth it? CLICK HERE to return to the site.

You: buh-bye!

[disconnect]


David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.