CineSceneSF

Dear Julie Brown:

2011-09-12T02:05:00.000-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8h5o9Swk10

~ Hakim

I Killed Myself Last Night

2011-09-01T00:08:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's true: I killed myself last night. I’d put it off for months, hoping against hope that things would get better, hoping that my life would change and I’d stop getting the messages, the pleadings, the gentle threats, the chorus of doom that plagued me every day.

But it didn’t get better, and finally, in a desperate act of self-preservation, I just… killed myself. I went to the cupboard and took out the implement I’d put away so long ago, hoping I'd never have to use it again. I put it on the table and took out the stack of mail that had jeered at me from the top of the refrigerator for months. I took the sharp letter opener from the drawer and held it in my hand a long time, then sat down and began my final correspondence.

It all started innocently enough. I’d gotten an appeal from one nonprofit agency or another, and I thought, Well, why not? And I sent them a check – not a big check, hardly a donation at all really, especially when you consider how much they subsequently spent trying to get me to donate more money. It could have been any of them – the ACLU, the NRDC, the Nature Conservancy, the ASPCA, the Sierra Club, KQED, Amnesty International, The Hiking Club, et al – but we’ll never know which of them sold my name to the wicked slippery devils who propagate thousands of labels bearing our names, disseminating them to every dog&pony show and claptrap manufacturer in the western world (and a few in India & China too).

It could have been any of them that started the avalanche too, and I can’t remember which it was that started the whole painful ordeal, but I wrote that fateful – and last night I laughed grimly as I thought that it was, in the end, fatal – check. The check that would change my life, the check that finally would end my life. But all this suicide business was in the future then, and I was blissfully ignorant of the desperation that would finally drive me to take my own life, over and over and over again.

I opened each piece of mail, separating the ‘valuable gifts’ from the dross. Let me say this: I have enough return address labels to last me the rest of my life. Well, the rest of my life if I were to live to be 125 years old. Which I won’t. I made neat stacks, the intensity of my task matching my determination to end the pain, once and for all, to feel the release from this continuing punishment.

When the stacks were made – one deep pile of opened envelopes and pleading letters on the floor beside my chair, one stack of envelopes and receipt/vouchers bearing my name and address on the table before me – I picked up that deadly implement and prepared to redden it. Red, the color of lust and passion. Red, the color of warning and accusation. Red, the color of danger and peril. The color of blood.

It’s funny: when I had played this deadly game before, the color was purple. But this time, I knew it would be red, and splayed across the receipt/vouchers before me, the blood-red sign of my final defiance would spell out my doom. I picked up the implement and hit it on the pad twice, three times. Then I touched it to the first receipt/voucher.

‘DECEASED’ was proclaimed in ornate capitals, inside an ornamental border, quite deliberately intended to resemble a funerary card. I stamped the receipt/voucher, right over my name, signaling plainly to the nice caring folks at the Nature Conservancy that they should stop sending me pleas to save the whales, or the polar bears, or the artic fox, or the Canadian wolf. Because I was presumably beyond saving myself. Thump!

Oh, it’s not that I don’t care about those endangered species, or that I think that they deserve to starve to death or die in slow increments from the encroachment of ‘mankind’ (or, as e e cummings had it, “pity this busy monster, manunkind, not”). No, no, no. I completely support the work that all those agencies do, from building homes for the poor and feeding the homeless, to trying to close Guantanamo and freeing Chinese prisoners who build our cheap tools in slave-camps.

But I can’t stand the mail. I can’t stand the two-a-month (or three- or four-a-month) distress calls, each with a warning that is more dire than the last. I can’t stand the thought that I initially spent a meager ten bucks on some ‘good cause’ and they bought stamps with that money to hound me into giving more. In the old days, I’d even put a nickel stamp on them, to guarantee that they’d get the message that I was dead by having to pay the postage due.

And in this batch, almost a dozen dire pleas from the Nature Conservancy alone… what gives? I continued stamping: Thump! Well, when they receive them all at once, each bearing their shocking news in blood-red letters, maybe they’ll get the message – they’ll be sorry then, and they’ll wish I were still alive, that they’d treated me better. I’d show them, once and for all.

In some ways, these charities are worse than vampires – because vampires will at least finish off a victim once in a while. But charities will keep after you til you’re dead. And I knew that only too well… That’s why I was killing myself.

And so I ended it. I continued stamping the blood-red message on about seven dozen receipt/vouchers: Thump! Thump thump! ‘DECEASED’ over and over and over, each time thinking of my actual death and how I’d miss it because – well, that’s what death is, missing things. My arm grew tired from all the stamping, once on the pad and then swinging over to the receipt/voucher and then once more. Yet I felt nary a twinge about killing myself off, because I knew that I might live a better life, that I might actually have some quality in my life – or at least that short part of my life where I put the key in the mailbox and extracted the communications to me from the outside world.

Well, ok, I felt a twinge. One or two. Tiny ones. After all, these people were doing good work when they weren’t hounding me for money, sending me nickels glued to cards and ‘valuable gifts’ – all in hopes of triggering my guilt over my privileged status in the world. I sloughed off the guilt, but I did put aside the petitions and letters to my representatives in our democratic government, and I will (once resurrected in the morning, after a nice long sleep) put them into envelopes and send them off. But for now, I’m dead to the world – or at least to the world that wants something from me in the form of donations. And believe me, I intend to rest in peace.

© 2011 Hakim - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED: use without profit allowed only with author’s express written permission. Please don't wake up my attorney. Please.

Frycook-assisted Suicide

2011-08-31T23:32:00.002-07:00

So a while ago, I took Gina out to lunch and we agreed to go to Al’s Burger’s a greasy-spoon on San Pablo in Albany. I ordered a double burger, leaving off the cheese, since that is just too much of the wrong kind of food for me, but Gina has other ideas about what is and isn’t good for her.

She ordered two hotdogs-on-sticks (battered and deep-fried), plus an order of onion rings (also battered and deep-fried). And she topped it off with a large chocolate shake. Ok, so the girl is sitting there, all 350 pounds of her spilling over the edges of her chair, stuffing her face with (a lot of) fried foods that can’t help her in any way – it can’t help her weight, it can’t help her cholesterol, and it certainly can’t help her heart.

I thought, Jesus, I’m looking at a fry-cook-assisted suicide here. I’m sitting here, watching this person commit suicide, and it’s like those nuts who attack cops in hopes of being shot to death. They call that kind of death an ‘officer-assisted suicide’ and write it off on the cop’s record as an occupational hazard. And apparently no one is noticing that Gina is slowly committing suicide by artery-clogging weight gain.

I mentioned something about it – not exactly in those words, but that it seemed to be a bit of a dodgy meal. Gina blithely brushed me off, saying, “Hey, I don’t do this all that often.”

To which my mind responded, Well, not all that often, but it seems we were only here about a few weeks ago.

She went on to say, “Look, I came to a junk-food joint – I’m supposed to order a salad?”

And at that point, I realised that Gina just doesn’t care whether she lives or dies. And the next thought in my mind was I can’t watch this. I didn’t want to witness her killing herself this way – slowly, by degrees, by heaped-on calories and by ounces and by pounds. I didn’t want to then, and I don’t want to now.

I think that Gina isn’t being completely honest with herself – she has no scale, so she says that she’s losing weight ‘because my pants are loose.’ But she never looks any smaller than she has been before, and she often appears bigger. People – all of us, it seems, are stuck in ruts that we don’t know how to get out of, stuck in situations that we can’t find a way to change.

I know that it’s nearly impossible to change whole ways of life. I mean, it takes that triathlon super-hero gene to just take that 90-degree turn and stop a behavior. But I’ve seen people change by making one small shift, one little movement to the right or left, like a plane lining up on approach: “Five right. Five right.” And by small degrees coming into orientation with the runway. By shifting one small thing – even just an attitude – change can come. Big change. Significant change. And sometimes that attitude is the first thing to change; often it’s the only thing you can change.

Heaven knows I’m not on some high horse here – I have my own deals that need a shift, a small alteration, a change. And I like to think that what keeps me from failing completely is that I’m awake and aware and (I think) I don’t lie to myself. And I think that friends have some responsibility to each other to point out when one of them is acting foolishly or dangerously.

So one way to change is to actually alter some smaller behaviors – like saying, “No, I can’t eat there, because when I do that I have no control.” And that works for me… mostly. And ‘mostly’ is all I’m looking for, because ‘mostly’ means that I’ve reduced a situation from ‘a lot’ to ‘a lot less.’ And if I can do that enough, then pretty soon ‘a lot less’ will become ‘none.’

But Gina is different. She could try eating correctly, but the truth is that she doesn’t want to… and she doesn’t really want to lose any weight, no matter what her mouth might say to the contrary.

My big pal Ollie says that his weight is what keeps him safe, that he has 375 reasons to keep someone away from him and his broken heart… using his weight to keep people at a distance. And that weight also cues him to who may be prejudiced against fat people. Ok, so that’s Ollie. But he knows what he’s doing – he’s aware of his situation and how he’s handling it. And he’s not kidding himself about things. Like his true weight and how often he eats fat-filled artery-choking foods (and in fairness, his diet is pretty innocuous – he just eats more ‘healthy food’ than his friends do).

I like to think of myself as not bigoted. I stay vigilant for signs of prejudicial thinking. And I understand that there are people whose weight gain results from physical conditions beyond their control. I also know that ‘will power’ and ‘controlled intake’ are useless concepts to persons with thyroid or hormone problems. But I have trouble trusting people who once were slim and are now the morbidly obese. They’ve eaten their way into a corner, and even though it’s got to be a tough corner to escape, still I want to shout, Jesus, get a goddam grip – it doesn’t have to be this way.

Does that make me a jerk? I don’t know. Of course, me – I can’t even lose this little pot-belly I’ve acquired in my middle age, and god knows that I’ve had in my life (and still have) my own ‘excesses’ that could be corrected with enough true and active intent. But it seems I’m comfortable in those excesses (and their consequences) and so they don’t change because I’m habituated. So what the hell do I know?

Well, I know that I can’t watch a friend commit slow suicide. And I know I won’t be the person who’s always complaining about my friend’s behavior. And I won’t be party to fry-cook-assisted suicide.

So I won’t be taking Gina out to eat anymore.

MY SCRAPBOOK

2011-08-29T19:00:00.000-07:00

– for & after JG

I’m proud of my expensive scrapbook,

so I flaunt it to my friends.

It’s bigger than theirs

and looks like it doesn’t need repairs.

“How’s your scrapbook?” someone asks at a reading.

“Fine!” I chirp up,

jumping at the chance

to extol the many virtues of my scrapbook.

Pretty soon a circle gathers

and everyone’s discussing its size,

editorial control, the artwork, the sheer lettuce

it takes to put the damn thing out.

If someone stays in a corner

someone else might notice and ask about theirs:

they never want to talk about it.

So they join in, chirping you-don’t-says,

and isn’t-that-amazings and

what-about-the-functional-glitter?

By the time I get home

I’m exhausted from bringing up

the subject of my scrapbook.

I get home and there it is,

not much on humility or balance

or good artists without the money

to study scrapbookery with me.

It’s all sub-culture, all glitz-trimming

and illusory contours, not even bothering to cover

up the cliquey pandering of the maintenance quota lining.

Late at night

when no one’s looking,

I’m embarrassed and ashamed of the damn thing,

kick it across the room

and stub my toe,

then toss it into the fireplace.

Maybe even burn it.

But I’m unwilling to fix it, and

even though I use it to meet women,

I am a man who wakes up depressed, lonely,

frustrated, who tries to burn his scrapbook,

his expensive shiny scrapbook.

And I haven’t the courage to do even that.

Imagine burning one’s scrapbook.

The shame would haunt me the rest of my career.

So after a while I pull it out of the fireplace,

dust it off and put it on the mantle and go to bed,

hearing its weeping throughout the night,

the low short moan just before daybreak.

My expensive scrapbook.

This poem is part of an unpublished manuscript called SONGS & ECHOES ~ The Pastiche Poems. Pastiche poems are those written in the style of another poet.

HOW LONG?

2011-08-29T15:53:00.000-07:00

– for & after Tommy Swerdlow

How long can you wait

for the time to be right?

How long can you hide

in a silk mask of dreams

while the ticking tide of nightfall

bleeds the days out of your veins?

How long?

Street corners press your feet

and the women hurry by

evening cracks its knuckles

and you know you are alone.

How long?

The women swim around you

trailing several smells

and you wonder

if the brunet in spikeheels

knows the only question

or even the address

of a solid mental breakdown

as you walk in the neck of a cosmic disease.

You’re dizzy with the power

of this moving female mass:

actresses & secretaries

Cinderella’s sisters

streetful working girls

Athena on the rise

linguistics’ oldest teachers

and girls named for the moon.

Or those longthighed pinklipped schoolgirls

we hunt for absolution

going home to daddy

or a slice of cathode pie.

How long can you wait for her

to break through your looking mind

in a salient spark of flesh,

thrown down by lariat eyes

with a single twist around

your stumbled boyhood horns.

You hoped that she could change you –

but she’s late she is not coming

and now the street is empty

except for Van Gogh’s cab.

(One door is missing

and the driver’s always storming

about crowbars in the cornbelt.)

How long?

Until you waken sweating

with those dreams that fleck your skin?

Like the hot dried sweat of woman

and the tide of truth she holds,

this smell that nerves out something

from your Viennese valise,

some taste

remote & long forgotten

with a root deep in your past,

like the Hassidic revisionism

crashing in your skull.

But what you will become

can never be the things you were.

How long?

Til you see

that the only thing she’s hidden

is the orbit of her smile

in a breeze that drinks the leaves

of one morning’s gentlest tree.

And that’s how long.

What makes European cinema so unique?

2011-04-26T12:34:00.001-07:00

This question was recently posted in an online forum, and indicates a true desire to learn more about the current state of cinema in the world today. But perhaps the question is framed incorrectly, and that framing shows a certain ethno- or culture-centricity on the part of the questioner.

Certainly each culture’s films are unique, and in the US, people tend to view US films as the standard – and all other films produced in the varied cultures of the world as ‘everything else.’

This perspective is a good place to start, and the reason so many people ‘position’ their arguments with relation to ‘American’ (read: made in USA) films is that the factory that is Hollywood churns them out and markets them, and so many ‘smaller’ cultures take in these (from their perspective) ‘foreign’ films, accepting them too as some kind of attainable or at least desirable ‘normal’ and then growing up with the Americanisation of their native culture as a fact of life.

No one is saying “why are European films so much better than Nigerian films” because the answer is quite obvious (if you’ve seen many Nigerian films – and I don’t mean to pick on them, it’s just that almost all of them are a bit behind the curve on filmic techniques, or were when last I checked; but the Nigerian film story is a fascinating story of its own).

Over the last four decades, it is quite true that European films and US films have grown much more alike, and there are several reasons for this. One is the marketplace itself: as Europeans saw that they actually could get films shown in the US, they started looking at what ‘Americans’ watched and then kind of mimicked some of what they saw (La Femme Nikita, et al).

And on the flip side, American filmmakers (mostly producers, it is true, but some directors too) saw the great European films and bought the rights and remade them by setting them in the US, in the process altering the stories as needed to make them work in US cities with US characters. I mention producers and directors – the directors chose largely to tell their own stories (Soderberg & Traffic, for instance) while the producers were much more happy to just remake a ‘successful’ or interesting film (The Toy, My Father the Hero, Three Men & a Baby, Three Fugitives, Fathers Day, etc etc) for the money that such a film might make in the US.

It seems that people look for facile answers, and often to facile questions, which is no way to educate oneself. To say that ‘Americans’ (meaning US) will lose their jobs if the films fail is no argument of worth, since there are plenty of ‘Americans’ (meaning US) who turn out drek and lose their jobs, who turn out good films and still lose their jobs, and who turn out drek and keep their jobs.

Films are made for a variety of reasons, some of which are just to spend a little money keeping someone busy, to pay back a favor, to balance the terms of a contract (“Gee, Steven Soderberg, make Oceans 12 and we’ll give you the budget to make your art film”), to keep someone from being able to be available for a rival studios big film, etc etc.

And the fact that Hollywood is a very small town, a factory town, should not be lost in the shuffle. The market drives American films. The market. That is why they play it safe, that is why they remake drek, that is why they take old crap from the TV vault and make into the next hoped-for summer blockbuster, that is why they look at something and say, “Well, the original was a hit, so this will be a hit.” Many of my friends and I agree that if they were serious filmmakers, they would take a failed film from the 40s or 50s or 60s and remake it – and make it better. That is to say, they would take something that ‘could have been a contender’ and made it hit the mark.

Hollywood has always dealt in remakes – from the very first handful of movies, they were copying each other (and themselves), remaking things that were popular. One of the first films was a camera tied to the front of a train and sent down a mountain (France? Switzerland?). Then it was done in the US. Then somewhere else. One historical document is a film made from the front of a streetcar heading down Market Street just days before the San Francisco earthquake in 1906. Streams of cowboy movies, the war movies (when the film industry was used as a propaganda arm of the US government during WWI and WWII), then gangster movies, then more war movies.

In Hollywood in the first 20 years of the 1900s, they would remake the same film two or three times in a five-year period. Later, they remade the ‘Maltese Falcon’ story TWICE before they made The Maltese Falcon (what a relief that Walter Huston finally got it right). And the market is what is driving that impulse to remake movies. When you are trying to satisfy an audience, it is an extremely fine line between giving them something they are comfortable with (that is the first part of attraction – and a reason that stars are type-cast) and giving them novelty (if it’s stale or a cliché, they’ll stay away, right?). And the bean-counters are always fiscally conservative.

But be clear on one thing. No one, not in Hollywood or Bollywood or China or Europe or South America, ever goes to a moneyman and says, “I want to make a piece of crap.” And yet that kind of movie keeps getting made, doesn’t it?

No one in US says, “Those silly French, making art – let’s make drek and make a killing.”

No – what they say is this: “The major US demographic sector watching movies is 14 - 24 year old males, and those people want to see breasts, cars, exploding things, and preferably all together. If we make that and show it to them, they will buy lots and lots of popcorn and we will make our money back, and perhaps some extra money to cover that piece of crap that what’s-his-name made, trying to do art, the loony bastard.”

I think that this perspective is aptly called “a race to the bottom.”

In Europe and elsewhere, they say, “Kids will watch whatever they will watch, but we are actually educated and think real thoughts that make real sense (unlike in the US where they are told that they are thinking when they are actually repeating something they’ve heard or read in a magazine). And we have an audience to please that includes a lot of adults and women too, so let’s make this movie from the great script that Francois wrote. The kids can always watch that merde from the USA, non?”

I may be wrong, but that’s the way I’ve seen it play out...

OF OPERA & STENDHAL

2011-04-26T12:17:00.000-07:00

Strange as it sounds, I really believed I knew something about the human heart, as if a few romantic comeuppances... together with a taste for opera, sufficed to give me Stendhalian credentials. – James Merrill

Is it not

strange?

We stumble

through life, each thinking

mine the lone tragedy,

this pain like none other,

none ever felt quite this way before....

thinking her heart alone

the human heart.

How young the young ...

and my own romantic comeuppances.

A girl who loved me more than

anything,

but could not cross the space

to become the woman who knew how to love

the animal I was:

In her leaving

she took that terrible absence with her

trading another absence in its place.

"...si che non trouvo attia – ma non che trasu."

Or another girl, this one

torn from the light

and I put her in the ground,

her family staring: a pale young man

broken on

a casket covered with roses

and roses

and my life blanketed by

the petals of her memory,

her touch,

the whispers

crushed by our own confusion

and her lust for speed.

"...e una commedia, lo so,

ma questa angoscia eterna pare!"

My second wife I

ran over with the old green pickup,

her ragged screams drowned in

the engine's high whine

back and forth

the wheels crushing her fine ribcage

again

and again

– but

only in my fever dreams

tossing east to west

alone

night after night

after night.

"...al alba vincera."

My younger life so operatic…

characters arranged exactly,

their exits

their entrances timed with careful

precision

to the phrasing of this or that aria

I chose to sing.

"...mi destino in la palma de mi mano

la gitana lo leyo."

But

would a wife of mine ever ride

to the funeral with my mistress

holding in their laps

between them

my severed head?

Posed Perfectly in Dreams

2011-04-06T19:19:00.000-07:00

Had some interest lately in my poetry, from folks who are into a rough-diamond look at the flow of the streets and alleys of the world that surrounds us, as well as the paths of my creative reportage on the slippage and drift of our culture.

And the news is that my 1992 book Posed Perfectly in Dreams is available again – after being OP for a decade and a half. The work here work that "takes risks," in the words of poet (and Blood Countess Bathory scholar) Robert Peters. Poet (and bebop verbal stylist) Michael C Ford notes that the work "coaxes onto an inside track, where eventual wreckage awaits the runaway train of our emotional lives."

A cache of the printed-on-nonbleached-recycled-paper slim blue volumes was unearthed recently by one of the publishers, so no one has to go without a solid poetry fix any longer.

This book was published at what many consider the height of the poetry scene in Los Angeles, when poetry nights sprang up almost everywhere, from empty sidestreet storefronts and Valley vinyl stores to chi-chi westside nightspots peopled by the literati and glitterati of the day (and often of the minute), to readings in the runoff channel under the Sixth Street bridge and on the upper reaches of the Los Angeles City Hall.

Even the old Venice Jail became an art gallery where readings jumped off, and a few poems in this book actually describe some of the poetry events and characters from that time at the edge of the continent.

Dedications of poems are to my friends and fine poets Lee Mallory, Lisa Rafel, Tommy Swerdlow, Meri Nana-Ama Danquah, and Scott Wannberg, as well as to a few non-poets and at least one hanger-on.

All books have two pieces of laid-in artwork – one by librettist/director Phillip Littell and one by respected artist Sylvia Hamilton Goulden. And the numbered copies have an extra little bonus: a poem dedicated to Wannberg bound in on a gatefold page (the poem, 'Love Story,' is not included in the trade editions).

Posed Perfectly in Dreams is now on sale, via internet only, at 15 bucks a copy for the trade edition & $30 each for the numbered and signed copies (signatures of the author, the editor, and by Andrei Rozen, the talented Russian photographer who produced the surrealish cover photo).

Author will sign and dedicate each copy. Add 3 bucks for postage. Please email to at cinesource(at)earthlink.net to order your autographed copy and get payment directions.

leatherback patti awoke

2011-04-06T17:39:00.000-07:00

The spamporn poem tells the story of Leatherback Patti and Leonard Stopwatch, and how his infidelity at the gym one day causes her to take a surprising lover, affecting their life.

Every line of this poem is taken from the subject line of spam received in my email box.

Found in italic, some of the words have been altered, or words added, in only 29 of the 142 lines and 438 words of the poem.

<><><><><>

looking for some vigorous activity,
But panting. what continuation cultivable,
miner prostitution
hegelian buddhism
tension narcosis
Proclivity to servitude
vivaldi.

leonard stopwatch
did wakeup on feast romanesque
insensitively elemental
he wanted his
Quill in miranda
But her childish features were enlivened by a broad grin of
nonsensical pretty love

Although the usual treatment would be to place a tube, or shunt, in her
his bit needed
operating linkers
a ridiculous blur
he dubbed against it
her need, it rips
blemished
Life is a joy, enjoy your life!

he Met this skinny slut working out at the gym.
Your perfect low carb combo->
Milfs tò méét!
For talk the bluff custard:
“Hi again” -
Selena said “hi”
Reply:
“whats up ?-)”
grenade romantically
“Chéck ðut these” she said,
position available.
“new schedule?”
smile in wolves and lasso
enrogue tricky working
philosophies oscillating…
how come no one asked me...?
I just found out about her
something unusual…

to leonard stopwatch
Only one thought appeared logical and probable and that was
“I never pass up a chance to get a handjob!”
So exciting
Belly
position
s watch so breaststroke
haunch chemistry
Make her worship you!
joy, enjoy…
therefore, here we come!
Come
splatter soft
quantity!
countera
ascendancy eyelid
Belly
A Tough Question for
cassock, My shady past
Which drink so psychotic
smegma sorbet!
Come

And later smoke or shortie
Love has been Set Free!
Barbie, Ken should have used these
They're waiting for you
but
leonard stopwatch
blasphemes
Re: remnant, Re: “my wife
She is the most wonderful woman in the world,
leatherback patti”

at home
leatherback patti,
a solo analyst,
shows epidermis lightweight:
“Watch this detail
Come
you tell my content…
You never message me anymore!
Make me worship you!
Or cancel my raja”
her meaty jealousy
cubbyhole glint latitude
con tantrum
stopcock rendition…

leonard stopwatch
appreciative
identifies certain
verse, or shagging
his wife,
saying
“I’ll do the disappointed
affectionate
body.”

she answers
“deceive, and separate –
don't forget to bring this along on your next date!
how come no one asked me?
sovereign, Women everywhere will love you!
Everything you are looking for
Hõrny lõcàls...
a weekend booty call
Packed
Typically, offer a
whole area.
you want to look cool with incidental intrusion,
so fly, longwinded balsam
I want her matching –
Make her worship you!
premier deleterious,
No one deserves...
Insignificance, off-key
wisteria.”

and Ruth says, pizzicato,
“keep up the good work
so go prettily
accommodate hunches
and without any expression.
asylum@cowdance
fits existence.
make fate a clothesline
about celebration…
in grave try sandpaper,
detoxify, My
atmospheric
activity, how we
commenced at a
Middle distance –
mind became
body.
Console.”

Her progress

2011-04-06T17:37:00.000-07:00

-- for my secret keeper

has the day ever had so exquisite a lover?

no, only the night
could know this luminous bliss….

only the night can know my joy
to watch

her palest face
rise
over me
expectant
(as she inclines above my life)

hovering delicately
in an ancient delirium
gazing through a mist
of desire and forgetting:

then she blushes her way
through night’s fragile sky
to fall
(often weeping)
at
some near and welcoming horizon

in the rosy glow
of her own bright dawn

Zero ODs during ‘Headed for the Medicine’ on the phone…

2011-04-06T17:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, so about six years ago, I was hanging out at home when the phone rang. I’d finally tracked Zero down and left him a message on his phone, like fourteen times in about a month. Not too many times, I guess, in the big picture – I mean, the guy was a junkie and pretty busy copping and keeging. We’d sort of fallen out of touch, and now it was like eleven years later.

Zero is a genius character, and we met in rehab – my last rehab, back in 87 or 88. He’s a radical purist, meaning that he holds a viewpoint that is waaaay out there, and he won’t relent. And not just one viewpoint, not just one outrageous belief – oh, no, not Zero. He has a whole philosophy that would put most sane people right up on one ear, feet wagging at the sky and a shocked expression singing it all out loud.

Zero, during the times that we’ve been in contact, had never been able to put more than 11 days together. Of course, as soon as I dropped off his radar, he was able to get like nine years clean and sober, did a bunch of films, and got some credits on some big pictures. I never got to see that part.

But when he finally got back around to me, it was late late in the dark hours of nighttime and he was gowed out.

We spoke for a while, about this and that, kind of catching up on our lives since we’d last seen each a decade earlier. We always had these easy conversations, and they always seemed like no time at all had passed since we saw each other. I didn’t know why he stayed away when he was clean, but that was his choice. I made a joke about doing a painting of the words in block letters: “Got a missing Ø here, people.” Or maybe a pic of me with a check in my hand, surprised & disappointed, over that caption. Or not. We laughed together, and that was good.

Then Zero mentioned ‘Window of Somnus’ and I started in my seat – a classic double-take. Not Danny Thomas classic, but close. It’s a poem I wrote many years ago, probably in that rehab: a few ragged lines about the pain and loneliness of the junkie’s empty night.

“I really like it.”

“Wow, Zero, thanks for the compliment. You remembered that poem.”

“Yeah, Hakim, that was always my favorite poem. Still is.”

“Well,” I said, “it’s just a little poem about junkies, a scrap. The real deal, the puro clavo, is Tommy Swerdlow’s poem.”

“Swerdlow’s poem?”

“Yah, it’s called ‘Headed for the Medicine,’ and it’s the ultimate heroin poem. I’m still pissed at Swerdlow because he wrote it and so I’ll never be able to put a pen to paper about heroin again. He owns the turf – and there’s really nothing left to write after he got through with it.”

“Who’s Swerdlow, man?”

“Brilliant writer I once knew. And, of course, a junkie. For all I know, he may be dead by now. You know, junkie’s always wind up dead.”

“Yeah. That’s true, man.”

“But he still wrote a great poem.”

By now, Zero was slurring, probably drooling on the phone – his voice coming through the wires sounded like it would crack into shards. “Wow. I’d like to hear it, Hakim.”

So I opened my computer and found the poem and started a command performance for a loaded ǜber-Deutsche tacato over phone lines stretching 400 miles into the long tunnel of night. I hadn’t read in a long time, and I was rusty at first, twigs cracking, but after a few lines I found my rhythm and I was back in the saddle, grooving.

I got about halfway through ‘Headed for the Medicine’ – the part about “I am Buddha, I am barnstorm, I am anything for the team” – when I hear a great thump at the other end of the phone. I stop, shocked as the sound of a handset spinning on a bare wooden floor tickles my ear.

“Zero?”

“Zero, you there, man?”

I whistle into the phone, trying to attract his attention. Nothing. I debate what I should do: call another friend of mine (who doesn’t even know Zero) and send him over there? Yah, sure, if only I had an address. Call the cops and send them to his house (without an address)? They could trace the number, but they’d take so long he’d be gone anyway if he were truly out. And if he weren’t truly out, then they’d just lock him up and he’d have me to thank for it. Not that he’d thank me, you understand. Although, knowing this guy, he just might.

I finally hang up, stunned that I might’ve overdosed Zero on poetry. I mean, that isn’t what I mean, exactly – it’s just that, as loaded as he was, he might have gone over the edge at hearing this poem, because I swear I’ve had guys look crooked at me, one eyelid half-mast with their chins on their chests, even if they haven’t had anything for years, when I read this poem. Hell, sometimes I feel loaded just from reading the damn thing. Yah, it’s good.

Just my luck, just the friggin luck to have killed my junkie pal after not seeing him for years. And long distance – with poetry.

So I’m contemplating the weird symmetry of that one when my phone rings.

“Hello?”

“Hey.” The voice is creaky, the rattling of brittle newsprint. “You didn’t call anyone, didja?”

“No, man. I figured they’d have taken so long, you’d be dead by the time they got there.”

“Yeah, that’s right. Good. Now where were you? Something about barnstorming?”

And so I finish the poem for him. And then I ring off, hoping that Zero finds the strength or the hope or the exhaustion or the something to get himself out of the long trainwreck of the life he’d been leading.

Zero, come back, man. Find your way back. We miss you, buddy.

Photo: Fair use.

HARD TIMES

2011-04-06T17:23:00.000-07:00

He sleeps with the gun

tied to his wrist at night

so it’s always at hand.

His 'pleasant' dreams

and nightmares

are unaffected

by the metal

warmed to the touch.

It isn't because he fears for his life --

oh yes, there’s that,

but

in this filthy abandoned building

huddled in torn blanket and peacoat

he's surrounded

by cutthroats junkies whores and thieves

who'd steal his gun

if he didn't tie it down.

STARS WITNESS

2011-04-06T17:18:00.000-07:00

In the moonlight

in the iron-fenced courtyard

six men stand

like scattered statues:

the moon bathes them blue

in funereal mists.

Silently they face each direction

as if alone.

Six steles waiting,

each a watchful epitaph

waiting.

Perhaps the police will come:

these monuments slide

soundless into shadows.

Perhaps I will come,

dragging the anchor of my pain:

then one of the statues

will move,

his dead eyes approaching me

at the edge of my prison’s bars.

Only in that yard

is my freedom found.

Here, just beyond,

hovering

in rose-tipped agony,

damp bills clutched

in trembling claw.

Between the bars I thrust it now.

"Que quieres?"

"Una pieza de chiva – veinte."

Un veloz cambio

y las sombras indigas

me consumen.

~ for John Bocanegra

WINDOW OF SOMNUS

2011-04-06T17:10:00.000-07:00

While the knots of 5 rubber throats are calling to me

my life rushed forward like a piston

forceful, unerring.

Time surges me before it

and

the wash of comfort

as I get down

into the heart’s even tempo:

the world recedes

twinkling lights and city echoes

fading back

leaving me in warmth

of the emptiness

around me.

My hands are lead

eyelids sliding down

and in the background

the insistent scrape

of a soupspoon

digging my grave.

~ for Shannon

Lamenta por El Poeta

2011-02-17T23:22:00.000-08:00

-- for & after Federico Garcia Lorca

On the morning of his death

he stepped between the guns –

between the guns, I say,

the poet walked to his sleep

en l’alba encalmada.

“I will stand no more weeping.”

Sitting silent in dark silence,

waiting for the soldiers –

his last audience,

the applause of gunfire waiting.

On the gravel outside

sounded the tires.

Rising from the chair, he crushed his cigaret

put on his white jacket,

he straightened the silk bowtie

then walked between the soldiers –

the poet stepped between their guns:

he had know the party

might end like this.

He climbed into the truck,

helped up by one young soldier

and the shaking hands

of one of the condemned.

On the rough wooden bench he sat

like a king

and placed a gentle hand

on the folded canvas top:

“I will stand no more weeping.”

In the corner of the truck

an old man looked bored,

smoking his last cigaret –

a professor who had inspected life

now accepted his fate

as they rode toward the quiet dawn.

Between the guns the poet rode,

he rode between the guns, I say,

the thin farmer next to him

leaning heavily

with hands hard as oak.

Their bodies swayed together

as they moved through the turns

through the scattered trees

of this once-fertile land

soon to be strewn with the bodies of the dead.

“I will stand no more weeping.”

And the bandilleros,

stripped now of sequined suits,

rode with him to the final dawn,

between the guns they rode,

between the guns, I say,

and all of Spain weeping.

Tears stained the face

of the boy who would soon fall with him,

future of Spain

biting into the fear

which he too could feel –

the beautiful youth who would die

staring into the poet’s sightless eyes.

Between the guns they rode,

toward the inevitable dawn,

between the guns, I say,

to that death in the Spanish road.

In the last moonlight,

dark shadows of trees, in the last moonlight,

the hope of a country,

in the last moonlight,

the heart of a people

beating solemn notes of fear

in the last moonlight,

and the answering notes of courage.

Sound of a truck on the dusty road,

sweep of headlights,

then orders to climb down

(Between the guns)

and moonlight kisses a poet’s white suit.

Now the soldiers laugh, point into the darkness.

(Between the guns, I say)

And now the men walk down the road condemned.

(Between the guns)

Now the boy looks back

but the poet’s hand is on his shoulder:

“Venga.”

And now the flash of the rifles,

hot bullets seek a home.

And in the silent dawn…. only echoes.

On the morning of his death

he stepped between the guns:

“I will stand no more weeping”

in the last moonlight

the heart of a nation

and all of Spain wept.

~ Hakim, from Dreams of Others (the Pastiche Poems)

Tinseltown's Express Elevator... Straight to the Top

2010-12-15T23:50:00.000-08:00

For many, the Assistant Directors Training Program
is a ‘Golden Door’
to the film industry.

Buried in Freddy vs Ghostbusters’ goofy credits is this: “DGA Trainee: We don't even know what that is.” Maybe it’s one more jibe at an overworked, dedicated, low-paid striver … or maybe they really don’t know what a Trainee is.

Pretty odd, since former Trainees have reached the dizzying Hollywood stratosphere – Mark Johnson, producer of The Chronicles of Narnia, whose mantle holds an Oscar (Rain Man) and two Golden Globes (Rain Man, Bugsy); Ralph Singleton, whose producing credits include Clear and Present Danger, Another 48 Hrs, Harlem Nights, and TV’s Cagney & Lacey; and Emmy-winning TV producer Chris Morgan, whose credits of 40+ shows include Police Story, Quincy, Hunter, Dynasty II, Gotta Kick It Up! and Miami Vice.

In Hollywood, when you hear ‘Trainee,’ you’re probably hearing about a person talented (and fortunate) enough to be accepted into the Assistant Directors Training Program. Officially the ‘Directors Guild-Producer Training Plan,’ this rigorous on-the-job program was established in 1965 by the DGA and the Alliance of Motion Picture & Television Producers (‘management’ in Hollywood labor negotiations).

The AD Training Program is recognized as one of the world’s most prestigious training programs – if you ignore the Navy SEALS, Green Berets and Speznatz. Though ‘it’ is actually two programs – Los Angeles (‘Training Plan’) and New York (‘Training Program’), the term ‘Training Program’ is generally applied to either. Often regarded as the toughest non-military program in existence, the unique training programs together have produced over 800 graduates since 1965.

The DGA emphasizes that Trainees aren’t ‘directors in training.’ Though some Trainees eventually become directors, many more become producers. The list of the elite group of graduates includes Duncan Henderson, who navigated Master & Commander to ten nominations and two Academy Awards, after producing Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, The Perfect Storm, Outbreak, Home Alone 2, and Dead Poets Society; Emmy-winner Howard Kazanjian, whose credits include Return of the Jedi and Raiders of the Lost Ark, which took home Oscars in technical categories; Walter Hill, who won an Emmy for Deadwood, and has directed dozens of projects (including 48 Hrs, The Long Riders, The Warriors) and produced many more (including Alien, Alien³, and 83 episodes of Tales from the Crypt).

How do they get there?

The film industry was famously described by Groucho Marx: “Calling it ‘dog-eat-dog’ is an insult to dogs.” So to understand how someone could succeed in a business that insults dogs, we should to start with how that person got there in the first place.

Every year, over a thousand hopefuls discover the Program through college recruitment efforts, magazine or newspaper articles, friends or family, or the internet (one applicant, reading a movie’s credits, searched ‘DGA Trainee’ on IMDb and “went for it”). Eager applicants may have experience in film, but most come from the ranks of ‘ordinary people’: clerks, plumbers, postal workers, former military officers – even a stockbroker and a lawyer or two. Sending their applications to find out if they have ‘the right stuff,’ many of these hopefuls will advance in the process, though a far larger number wind up seeking their fortunes elsewhere.

That four-page application – which asks for five more pages of written commentary on motives and aspirations – is only the beginning. To qualify, applicants must be US citizens or legal residents, possess a high school diploma, and should have a bachelor’s degree (a requirement that might be waived with enough verifiable business or military experience).

The Program’s Trustees look for the top 10% or so to interview, based on applicants’ “demonstrated committed interest in the film and TV industry.” To qualify for interviews, most of the initial applicants are then invited to take ‘The Test,’ a grueling arduosity requiring more than five exhausting hours of focused and applied mental acuity.

The Test is measures general knowledge, mental acuity, and problem solving. General familiarity with history should be sufficient, as is a comfort with mathematical concepts. Communications, vocabulary and semantic concepts are all covered more heavily.

Widely acknowledged as “harder than the LSATs,” The Test is annually administered simultaneously in Chicago and Los Angeles. It’s true that a few people take the test five times or more – some of them advanced after that final time and some didn’t, but passing only guarantees an invitation to submit a second application.

Of the 120 or so people invited to interviews, 90% are weeded out through carefully controlled ‘interrogatories’ that give some applicants panic attacks and reduce others to tears. The interviewers, graduate Trainees and industry professionals, have seen many hundreds of hopefuls and Trainees, and so know what to look for.

A tough room

One of the best scenes in Joe vs the Volcano has Dan Heyada shouting repeatedly into a phone, “I know he can get the job, Harry, but can he do the job?” A few interview questions used to let the admissions committee know how you’d interact with others. Former Trainees tell stories about odd interview questions and how the committee sought candid answers while avoiding rehearsed responses. Today, situational simulations can determine how people react to pressures on movie sets – whether they can do the job.

It isn’t easy to tell who’ll make a good AD, who can master reams of paperwork and a suitcase full of union contracts, with a military mind for the logistics of moving crews safely and efficiently, with a collection of Kissingeresque diplomatic skills. When dealing with the largest egos in the world, one needs several sleevesfuls of tricks. Some people excel on the organizational side, but fall down in logistics. Some shine in logistics, slipping up in the paperwork. Others can do all that, but can’t deal with self-centered stars in the pressure-cooker of a movie set.

The interviewers seek those with ‘the right stuff,’ pointing to a long list of successful directors, assistant directors, production managers and producers – many still have the right stuff today. Though their names are unrecognized by the general public, former Trainees are acknowledged in Hollywood as a breed apart.

In the right place at the right time

Arne Schmidt produced Big Fish, We Were Soldiers, Awakenings, RoboCop, among other large-scale Hollywood projects. During a scout for XXX – State of the Union, Arne told how as a teenager he was washing a neighbor’s car. The guy, impressed with Arne’s work and demeanor, recommended that Arne get an application – which Arne did, leading directly to a successful 30-year career.

Duncan Henderson, a stockbroker before switching careers, says, “I’d never been on a set, never taken a film class, and knew no one in the business. They gave me the opportunity to learn on the job, with some of the most talented people in the motion picture business. Many of my mentors had been Trainees, and they made me realize that ‘all things are possible’ in this business.”

In his long career, Jerry Ziesmer was an AD for almost every top director in Hollywood at the time: Spielberg, Coppola, Huston, Crowe, Bogdanovich, Brest, DePalma, Badham, Rydell, Pollack, Frankenheimer, Stallone, Mel Brooks. An acting student in school, Jerry applied to the program on a whim, later becoming known for his ability to work with demanding top-name directors, covering complicated schedules and logistics (pyrotechnics, thousands of background players, entire foreign military forces, etc).

Ricardo Méndez Matta was a 1st AD before making the jump to directing. Ricardo has directed many TV shows, including The District, Nash Bridges, Touched by an Angel, and Weird Science. The former Trustee Chairman wrote, “When I arrived in Hollywood, I knew no one... and most doors were closed because I was an anonymous outsider from Puerto Rico. The training – plus talent and hard work – can take you a long way. Not just a door to the Entertainment Industry, it’s an express elevator to the top.”

Emmy-winning director Dan Attias, whose credits include most hit TV shows of the last 20 years, also wrote for The Sopranos and produced Party of Five. Dan’s directing credit list includes House MD, Huff, Boston Legal, Lost, Entourage, The OC, CSI: Miami, Six Feet Under, The Sopranos, Ally McBeal, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Practice, Party of Five, Lois & Clark, Dr Quinn Medicine Woman, Melrose Place, Beverly Hills 90210, Northern Exposure, 21 Jump Street, and Miami Vice. Intending to become a director before entering the Program, Dan discovered that he’d be saying “Roll Please” for years before he’d ever say “Action,” so he banked his 2nd AD money to take AFI’s directing course.

Don Zepfel, who ran production at Universal Studios, produced Hidalgo, The Mummy Returns, and Dragnet. Zepfel said, “On the job is really the only way to master this very arcane craft, and the Program is the best way to launch a successful career. The base-line of knowledge provided is crucial to being a successful manager in this industry.”

Opening up the Boys’ Club

For 40 years, the Program has provided the entrée to a world formerly closed – especially for minorities and women. In 1965, when the Program was formed, there were few women in the Guild, and minorities had virtually no connections that could be leveraged into a job, much less a career. The need was recognized for a program to help democratize the industry, leveling the playing field for those committed enough to get the job.

In the Program’s first year, there were no female Trainees. The first five classes only saw three women out of 53 Trainees, and two classes had no women at all. The first ten years saw only 13 women out of 110 Trainees. More recently, the average for the last ten years is roughly 50/50, though the 2006 class of 17 Trainees had only four males, and the 2007 class had 5 males and 10 females. The looming WGA strike in late 2007 resulted in a lack of work slots, so there was no 2008 class.

It’s not surprising that more and more women are moving toward production jobs – women tend to have the organizational skills that make them perfect candidates for the positions. In fact, the early history of Hollywood is filled with the names of forgotten women: directors, producers, women capable in business who could go after jobs in a brand-new industry where all the rules hadn’t yet been laid down.

While Hollywood, like other sectors of American business and industry, has lagged in terms of diversity in hiring – especially in executive positions – female former Trainees have fared well in spite of obstacles. Women sit on the boards of all the major guilds, and the DGA elected Martha Coolidge as president in 2002. Many important executive positions are held by women in Hollywood, and the Training Program provides a valuable route for women to enter the business and move up. Once there, they face the same challenges as men do, and they must perform at the same level in order to advance.

Having what it takes

The sure way up the production ladder is to do your job better than almost everybody else around you – top major league batters hit .333, but ADs must to hit in the middle 900s to stay in the game. While errors are tolerated – and you have a team backing you up in tough plays – too many mistakes will still send you out the door, sometimes even before lunch.

New Trainees have the immediate opportunity to serve on one of Hollywood’s ‘big shows,’ landing on a set with virtually no preparation. Introduced to the crew and given specific tasks by the 2nd AD, the Trainee enters the production team, helping to keep the project on-schedule and on-budget, interacting with the crew, keeping tabs on cast members, distributing key paperwork, and logging a production report at day’s end. Toiling on different projects for two years in a continuing ‘boot-camp,’ the Trainee is one of the lowest-paid and least-esteemed members of the crew. Perhaps alleviating those long grueling days is the dream of accepting an Oscar or producing a hit series.

Though the Program focuses on the actual work of production, you might be asked to bring Sharon Stone a perfect cup of tea. You might move a crowd in manufactured rain – 500 or 1,000 background players. You’ll wade through mounds of paperwork and union contracts, and get the chance to learn diplomacy you don’t already know. Pick up the lingo and get used to the punishing schedule, and you’ve become a ‘veteran’ who divides the world into industry people and ‘civilians.’

Join the Guild, and, if you aren’t on Hollywood’s fast track, at least you’re on the track – in the mix, making a good salary, with a comfortable pension and a pretty good indication that, if you play your cards right, you might wind up playing with the top players too: former Trainees are the most-employed Guild members, with the longest and most successful careers. And make no mistake – Hollywood is a growth industry. Stand the heat and you might one day run the kitchen: any of many positions in the seven major ‘kitchens’ (20th Century-Fox, Paramount, Sony Pictures, NBC/Universal, Warner Bros, Buena Vista/Disney, New Line), or scores of jobs in TV divisions and independents.

Today, men and women of the Training Program continue to lead, at every level, all the way to the top of the industry. And that’s how it’s supposed to be.

[> Information on the Directors Guild - Producer Training Plan may be found online at www.trainingplan.org <]

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2010 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.
-- 30 --

Buddha Found in Greek Potato

2010-07-22T06:15:00.000-07:00

“Miracle!” declared by vegetarians – & Irish Catholics weigh in.

Dateline Greece – A humble spud has been found in Greece that is claimed to depict the figure of a seated Buddha, prompting mixed responses from around the world today.

The tuber, found by a tourist in a sack of locally-grown potatoes from a local co-op allotment, is shaped like a seated figure, leaning forward as if to contemplate the healthy sprouts before it resting on its crossed legs.

“It’s a miracle,” said the lucky tourist, Sue Lacey-Bridges Watersbridgefordshire Oxbennington. Asked how she thought the Buddha spud got into the bag, she responded, “I don’t know really, I’m only here for the sun and lager.”

Miss Lacey-Bridges Watersbridgefordshire Oxbennington said she had no immediate plans to turn the potato into chips: “Well, I don’t have stove here, do I? And it is very cute, isn’t it? I wanted to take it home to me mum, but they told me that I can’t take live produce out of the country. It’s not a bomb, is it? And I thought this was the European Union – well!”

While many are calling it a miracle, others are quick to qualify.

“If this isn’t a miracle, I don’t know what is,” said local Greek Orthodox priest Pappas Ouzo of the tiny village of Kavallouri. “Of course,” he went on, “this is clearly a figure of the seated Christ, contemplating the wicked sins of man, for which we must repent by donating to the church.”

Others weren’t so sure. “Not one single instance of a meditating Jesus has been found in all of Greek iconography,” said Spiros Spiroudoupolokakis, of the local Ikonographic Museum. “This would certainly present impetus for all of us to look at Christ in a new light.”

Meanwhile, in a statement issued by the high clerics of the Irish Catholic church, the figure was derided.

“It’s a potato, for St Pete’s sake,” said Father Seamus O’McFitzpatrick. “How could it be any other but our Lord. I mean, the Asians don’t eat potatoes, do they now? If it were a wee bit of rice, well, then it might be their wanderin’ prophet, but – really, don’t you know.”

A little further afield, vegetarians in Europe and America praised the find, saying that it would give strength and momentum to the Safe Food Movement.

“Look, this is the Earth sending us a message,” said Sunshine Moonbeam Weathersmile. “Hello? How could this not be seen as Mother Earth telling us to eat our vegetables and to quit eating cow and pig and chicken. Ugh, the very thought of meat makes me sick. And to stop messing with genetically modifying foods. So get with it Monsanto – Buddha’s on the line with memo for you!”

Representatives from Monsanto had no comment on the recent find, but pointed out that if a single trace of their chemical hocus-pocus were “discovered in the potato, a cornucopia of lawsuits will follow and patent trespassers will reap what they have sown.”

Copyright 2010 by David Hakim – ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Making $$$ in V/O... and More

2010-05-11T12:47:00.000-07:00

Once, when a magazine editor asked me to write a piece on alternative earning methods for local actors, my first thought was, What can I say about alternative earning methods? I’m not an actor – I just played one on TV. But she correctly noted that I work in several distinct areas and know others who do too. Stage actors can look to work in industrial films, commercials, PSAs, or films – there are many smaller jobs to augment your income, and some could turn into second careers.

Voice-overs

Voice-over work is very popular in the Bay Area, where a number of houses turn out high-quality animation. There’s Wild Brain in San Francisco, with ILM over in the Presidio, Phil Tippett Studios in Berkeley, DreamWorks in Redwood City and Emeryville’s own Pixar. And many video game producers always need V/O talent, either for scratch-tracks or for final product. Your agent or manager can find you work at any of the places hiring V/O talent.

If you’re really serious about voice-over, then consider buying a high-quality microphone and lining a smallish room with old comforters. Many local actors audition via MP3 at home; they get their sides by e-mail, then they e-mail the MP3 files back. Jarion Monroe says, “Auditioning from home is extremely economical. By not going into the city, I save $15 to $20 on gas, tolls and parking – plus general wear on the car. It also means that I can keep recording the audition until I get the perfect take.”

Julian Lopez-Morillas actually does the work itself at home, but he’s invested almost $2,000 in some very high-quality equipment and dedicated a small room as his studio. For book-on-tape publisher Audio Scholar, he’d previously worked in a professional studio to record Jung: Man & His Symbols, Einstein’s Relativity, and books by Carl Sagan, Stephen Hawking and others. He explains, “When Audio Scholar started contracting with people to record in their own home studios, I consulted with a sound engineer and gave self-producing a try. Today I’m doing quality control work on a self-produced CD, Muse of Fire: Favorites from Shakespeare.”

Two years ago, Mary Windishar thought her husband was nuts when he suggested that she produce her own spots at home. But he proved prophetic. For past 18 months, she’s done three Flash demos for Internet companies, two sets of co-op commercials for GE appliances, and numerous commercials for broadcast TV and radio. She says, “I’m still a bit shocked that I can stay home in my blue bunny slippers and earn hundreds of dollars. I had to be dragged into this, because I didn’t want to be an engineer – I wanted to do the glamorous stuff. If I had my choice, I’d always choose to work with engineers and other creative collaborators; I love the camaraderie and I love working in a real studio. But the truth is that to survive as a V/O artist today, you must have a home studio.”

Windishar warns that you can’t just drop into voice-over. There are very rigid expectations, and things that can’t be faked, like how to audition, how to perform – the things you can only learn from a pro. Voice-over work isn’t easy money and isn’t something that anyone with a good voice can do. For one, you’ll need a good teacher.

Anyone can fake a Southern accent, but regional accents are very specific and not to be trifled with. Invest in a book on accents. The following ones run about $22 each: American Dialects and Foreign Dialects, both by Herman & Herman, published by Routledge; and Accents: A Manual for Actors, by Blumenfeld, published by Limelight.

Just starting out and have no demo reel? You can make your own reel by taping a commercial from the radio and then duplicating it. You’ll probably have to do it many times before you get it right, and even then you should call someone with a studio (even a home studio) and do it all over again – believe me, you’ll benefit by the experience of others by this effort. You want to present your best work, and agents and casting directors know when something is knocked together by a newbie. V/O teacher Taylor Korobow is also an expert at self-producing proper demo reels.

Print Work

Print work is also a good option, especially if you have a unique look. You could make a tidy living from the many catalog companies in the Bay Area. Williams-Sonoma and the entire Pottery Barn conglomerate works out of a studio in Brisbane, churning out five or six catalogs annually for each of seven different concepts.

Other companies include Ambrosia, Smith & Hawken, The Sharper Image, Target, Northface, Restoration Hardware, Mervyn's California, Gump's and The Gap, not to mention the retail newspaper ads shot every week by Macy’s and other big advertisers. Remember that you’ll need specific types of photos that mimic advertising photos (called ‘zed’ or comp cards) that are different from headshots – they’re usually in color and offset printed. And don’t contact the companies directly, because they all hire casting directors who work solely through recognized agents, so if you want to work in this market, have your agent research it.

Spokemodels & More

Other actors with the right physicality for the specific jobs can land work as spokesmodels – they may want only women, or persons within a certain age range, etc. There’s a lot of work at conventions, and the local casting companies get calls for people to dress in business clothes and learn a script before heading over to the Concourse or Moscone Center. There are numerous fashion-oriented shows that need booth workers at the Concourse, and the big conventions at Moscone always attract people to work in booths, hand out samples or take customer information. You’ll get a lot of experience meeting different kinds of people, giving you a great store of physical mannerisms to use in constructing characters.

‘Medical actors’ impersonate patients with specific symptoms as part of training exercises for aspiring doctors. These faux patients (called ‘standardized patients’) study and exhibit symptoms, helping medical students and interns hone their communication skills and create an accurate diagnosis. As a 'standardized patient' with four years experience, Local actor Don Schwartz says, “I work for three medical schools and a physician-assistant program, as well as a test-preparation program specifically designed for foreign-trained physicians. I enjoy working with med students and physicians. It’s an opportunity to make a positive difference in their development as health care practitioners. I’m helping to nurture more humane, compassionate practitioners.”

There are similar 'litigation actors' who impersonate criminals and witnesses for lawyers-in-training. And several law-enforcement agencies hire actors to impersonate felons for officer-training purposes. Keep in mind, though, that these are very specialized jobs, not many actors are hired, and there aren’t any local agencies handling them… yet. An online search can help you find such companies – but again, let your agent do the heavy lifting here.

As part of your continuing education in your chosen profession, I urge you to get acquainted with the Reel Directory, published by Doug and Lynetta Freeman. An immensely valuable resource, RD lists everything from actors to writers, with all crew and vendor resources indexed by category and name. Read the entire book – you’ll learn a lot. RD is also online on CD as well. Find it at: www.reeldirectory.com.

There are other jobs that use the same skill-set that you have spent so much time building, and the only limit to this kind of work is your imagination. So get out there and break a leg!

SIDEBAR: Acting in Other Ways

Bartenders & Waitstaff

These jobs aren’t too confining, the tips can be good, and you can go to auditions in your off hours. You’re also in constant interaction with lots of people and you’re solving interpersonal problems for customers, both of which can be very helpful in building characters for your repertoire.

Telemarketers

Doing phone surveys can be an excellent way to earn money while honing your skills at conversation and improvisation. As a customer service phone operator, you can develop a character and stick with it for extended periods.

Realtors

Many an actor has earned a very nice living in real estate, because that profession relies on the right kind of interaction: you have to know the right thing to say at the right time, and then you have to sell it. Again, you can work (mostly) your own hours, you have free time to book auditions, and you may not have to show up every day. And the money’s reported to be pretty good. Just watch out that you don’t wind up trading one career for another.

Public Relations

This field is highly provisional within some set boundaries. You have to know the playing field, know the players, then improvise like crazy to achieve the desired result. As with real estate, PR is all about people skills and knowing the motivations of the people you are dealing with.

In-Home Service Jobs

Others who have to know their clients and meet their needs are home decorators, interior designers and organizers also. There is a lot of research required, similar to building a character, and you’ll find situations that challenge your skills and patience – always good activities for learning. Perhaps not as demanding is the job of a home organizer or home-office organizer, in which you’d work with a client to find the proper way to get things placed for maximum efficiency. This may be a good area to explore for scenic designers and builders as well.

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2010 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Rosemary's Baby, 2010

2010-05-09T07:59:00.000-07:00

What’s with all the sturm&drang about Roman Polanski? The guy committed a crime. He’s no different from any other criminal, as much of a genius as he might be. Now captured after 30 years, he is under house arrest in a Swiss mansion.

Wow, lucky Polanski!

If his skin were black or brown, he’d be lucky to not have been lynched. He’d be in an orange jumpsuit some prison in Central California with lots and lots of rough boyfriends with whom to discuss the finer points of camera lenses and working with actors, when they weren’t busy exploring his ‘inner realms’ (since they hate child molesters in the joint).

I think that he should stay under house arrest for a long long time. And if he wants to make movies, then he should use his creative mind to come up with ways to bring the set to himself, shooting only in his spacious Swiss mansion and the surrounding grounds. He could make a nice ‘drawing room’ drama, perhaps about the evils of lust and gluttony, or about the moral dangers of privilege and celebrity. Every film needs a theme, after all.

Or, Polanski could do what Coppola did in the early 80s. For One From the Heart, Coppola brought in a 'command center' built into a big Airstream trailer. And in that shiny silver bullet, Coppola could relax and eat his lunch while directing – without setting foot on the set) and he could make any movie he wants, anywhere in the world, from his luxurious Swiss mansion via satellite.

The 70s and early 80s were great times for experimenting with the process – especially for Coppola. He also developed a technique for shortening shooting time by extending rehearsal time and using that early period for rewrites and actual editing of his film. Taking a page from Alfred Hitchcock (who worked from a storyboard book with each shot so highly detailed that virtually anyone could have blocked and directed his films), Coppola used one assistant director to gaff his long rehearsal sessions on Cannery Row while tape-recording dialog and taking Polaroid snapshots. The actors would work in a big empty stage, with folding chairs and tables, as well as chalkmarks on the floor and walls to delineate rooms, doors and windows. The AD would record actors’ lines and take shots of them according to the script’s camera angles and lenses. When the actors went home, the AD would then videotape the snapshots while the cassette tape played, with all the scenes in order, and within a day or so Coppola would have a virtual edit of his film – using only one crew member. He would then review it and edit his script to reflect changes that would normally be made later in the editing process, after much footage would have been shot (at great cost in time and money). Then, the actors would be called back in to the same stage, in which actual furniture and painted backdrops would have been installed that modified script. In these sessions, the AD would be filming the action, per the updated script, with a video camera, capturing the shots called for: close-up, medium, wide, singles, two-shots, masters, etc. The actors would be released, and Coppola would then view the edited version of that script – and again re-edited the ‘sketch’ of the film. So before he had spent a dime on locations or crew (or actors’ fees, except for the very modest rehearsal fees) he would have the final clut of his film. It was estimated at the time that about a quarter of any budget could be trimmed away in this manner.

Mike Leigh works with his actors for like six months or more in character study and rehearsal (see the results in Happy Go Lucky), which is another thing that Polanski could do – with his actors visiting him in Switzerland.

Errol Morris conducts his documentary interviews from an adjoining room, via a video camera set behind a teleprompter on which his face is projected. The mediation of the director is a technique already in use, so why not use it to a good purpose?
So what’s my point? Well, Polanski is a highly creative guy – so let him figure out ways to do his time like a man, hold his mud, and stfu. He could stop sniveling, bring his actors to Switzerland, put them up in his big old mansion, and engage them in intensive work on their characters, using Coppola’s second technique to reduce set time. Then he could use Coppola’s first technique to get the film made, directing remotely.

So my message to Polanski: “Enough wyngeing already, Roman – use your (much deserved) restrictions to come up with a masterpiece!

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2010 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Advice on Preparing for ‘The Test’

2010-01-27T21:18:00.000-08:00

I recently had a request from a young man about taking the test for entry into DGA's Assistant Director Training Program.

I dusted off an old sidebar to an article on the Training Program and sent it to him, then I thought I should put it up where some others might benefit from it. So here it is:

<><><><><>

So you’ve made your application to the Training Program (or the Training Plan - different names on the East & West coasts), and they’ve checked out your college transcripts. In your mailbox one day you find that golden message – an invitation to take the qualifying test. It’s time for your first big challenge.

Don’t worry about choking. Many people are daunted by the Training Plan Test, but you’ll shine if you take a few simple preparations. We’ve asked a number of former Trainees for their advice, and this is the 12-point list we’ve come up with. To maximize your score, just follow these directions:

1. Day T, minus 7: For the next seven days, do not think about the test at all; eat well, relax and get plenty of sleep; include your girlfriend or boyfriend in all activities that you can.

2. Day T, minus 3: For the next three days, do things you really like to do: eat, read, go to the beach, spend time with friends… you know.

3. Day T, minus 2: Take a ride to the testing center and find out where the best parking is – spend this hour or so today, and you’ll save you time and worry on the day of the test.

4. Day T, minus 1: On the day before the test, make sure you have comfortable clothes to wear, preferably layers that can be removed if the temperature increases in the testing facility. Make sure your outer garment has good-sized pockets.

5. Day T, minus 1: Buy some snack foods of your choice, but make sure they don’t have to be refrigerated. Also, buy some non-sugar drinks in handy sizes to take with you in those pockets.

6. Day T, minus 1: In the afternoon (if you want to), put a cooler in your car, and make yourself a good-sized but light lunch for the test day; salad with protein is best since it won’t make you sleepy – tuna, egg or chicken, but tofu is good for vegetarians. Everyone else will be walking around trying to find someplace close by for lunch, but it will be a rushed meal for them... You, on the other hand will have exactly what you want to eat – and the time to really enjoy it).

7. Day T, minus 1: The night before the test, eat an early dinner at the best restaurant you can afford, with either your best friend[s] or your girlfriend/boyfriend, but get to bed early.

8. Day T, morning: On the morning of the test, eat a good breakfast, then put ice and your lunch in the cooler; don’t bring any books or papers with you to the test – you won’t need them. If you did # 3, leave ½-hour early – if not, leave at least an hour early, so that you’ll have time to get lost, drive around looking for a parking place, park, get lost again, find the testing room and then sit down and have a little snack. At that point, you can relax, and even take a short nap (set the alarm on your watch!), while the others who have left later are running to catch up and make it before the doors close (they’ll be losing mental ability, but you’ll be cool).

9. Day T, daytime: Relax while taking the test; answer as many questions as you can. Don’t get stuck on a question – move on, then come back to the hard one at the end Remember, it’s a numbers game, and if you miss answering 4 questions while trying to figure out one, you’ll lose points.

10. Day T, daytime: Really, relax – it’s only a test.

11. Day T, evening: After the test, go out and celebrate with friends – enjoy yourself, because you’ve earned it.

12. Day T, plus: Try not to worry about your score for the next two months: it’s completely out of your hands.

ps. We’re not kidding about a single point on this list. Not one. None.

<><><><><>

So there it is... if you stumbled on this while searching for information on the DGA Training Program, good luck to you!

All material copyright 2008 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

A Link to Voznesensky

2009-06-21T00:39:00.000-07:00

I was very surprised to recently find
that Andrei Voznesensky
has a new career.

While using that wonderful poetic device ‘Google’
I saw the great Russian poet’s name
listed on Linked-In.com.

Once there, I discovered that
Mr Voznesensky is a
“Senior Principal Scientist at Pfizer
in the Hartford, Connecticut Area.”

And the author of Modern Nature and
ru and
Dead Still
and my favorite
– Bicycles –
has 50 connections!

And some of my connections know some of his connections…

I am so glad to know that Voznesensky is interested in:
* career opportunities
* consulting offers
* job inquiries
* reference requests
and
* getting back in touch

There is so much we could discuss –
the surreal image,
symbolism and
use of synecdoche
in his previous position as
a Principal Research Scientist at Bayer Pharmaceutical.

Does Boris Pasternak know
that his former protégé is now
a member of the
Biotech & Pharma Professionals Network?

Are the poetic influences of Mayakovsky and Neruda
useful in his present endeavors?
If I sound disappointed, well,
that may be true.
I mean, the guy’s got a minor planet
named after him:
‘3723 Voznesenskij.’

And shouldn’t he – after all – be concentrating
on poetry?

So I sent him a message, because
there’s that big blue headline:
“Send a message to Andrei Voznesensky”
and right under it, two golden buttons –
“Contact Directly”
and
“Get Introduced”
(“7 of your trusted connections can introduce you to someone who knows this person”).

And I wrote,
“So Andrei, how’s it hanging?
Hey, what’s with the job in big pharma?
You’re a genius, man, with medals and shit,
And you ought to be writing those pithy poems
that made you famous.
Keep it real, man,
And don’t forget your roots. Hakim”

And a couple days later I got this back:
“Sorry to disappoint you,
but the poet you write about
and I
are not even related.
I hope he is not bothered by people
looking for a prescription.
Dos vedanya, AV”

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Uncle’s Song

2009-06-20T00:25:00.000-07:00

(with apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan)

“I am the very model of a new avuncularity –
I've made myself the uncle of a group with some disparity.
Among them you’ll find actors and some students of the legal type –
Perhaps one day there will be one whose family bears a regal stripe!”

“Perhaps one day there will be one whose family bears a regal stripe!”

“These lads and lasses all have heads that bulge with ideas quite profound
And planet-saving notions about which they’re willing to expound.
They’re music makers, peachtree shakers and with full celerity
They even do some root canals for profit or for charity!”

“They even do some root canals for profit or for charity!”

“I worry that the youth today have not got full advantages
Though educated fully, they must work for what are scant wages.
But most are led by notions that they battle vile barbarity
And so they practice every day to sharpen their dexterity!”

“And so they practice every day to sharpen their dexterity!”

“I find them jobs and search for posts to give them skills and expertise
So they won’t have to find success by laboring in small degrees.
My nephews and my nieces face the world with staunch temerity
And so their chances are quite good to wallow in prosperity!”

“And so their chances are quite good to wallow in prosperity!”

“I wish for nepotism rare that has been turned all inside-out.
That is, that they will hire me at wages to write home about.
So far no job’s popped up, which is a great peculiarity –
But I have hopes to be employed for all my popularity!”

“But he has hopes to be employed for all his popularity!”

And on this point I must insist on having crystal clarity –
For it’s been said the workplace is no place for rude hilarity –
My sisters’ kids I do help out with deep and true sincerity:
I am the very model of a new avuncularity.”

“He is the very model of a new avuncularity.”

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2009 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

The Technique of Making Movies: Problem Solving at 85 MPH – for 18 Hours Straight

2009-06-15T14:10:00.000-07:00

YOUR CALL TIME: 515 am

430 am Leave home for work – it’s chilly and quiet.
440 am Hit Bay Bridge – there is no traffic and the music on the radio is pretty good.
450 am Arrive on set, find parking space that’s close but not too close.
451 am Discover two cranes parked in the middle of your set at Moscone Center.
[Location Manager from previous commercial left them ‘as a gift.’]
452 am Teamsters have no flashlight, can’t find keys to cranes.
453 am While calling other Location Manager at home, take 3-battery maglite out of car,
give to Teamster to find keys.
454 am Trucks stacking up waiting to park for offloading.
455 am Craft service/ breakfast truck arrives, wants to set out coffee, has no water.
456 am 1st crane starts to be moved out of way – at 1 mph. [88fpm / 1.5 fps]
457 am Call from PA – he is lost.
458 am Motorhome arrives.
459 am Makeup / hair people arrive, want coffee.
500 am 2nd crane starts to be moved – at 1 mph.
501 am Boss arrives, wants to know why things are going to hell in a handbasket, wants
coffee now. [her call is 530 am]
502 am Tongue stops hurting from biting it.
503 am Boss asks for a walkie-talkie (camera truck has not arrived with walkie-talkies).
504 am Give her your walkie, though it’s the only one on set so she has no one to talk to.
505 am Camera truck parked & opened.
506 am Walkie-talkies taken out, some batteries discovered to be dead.
507 am Dead batteries taken to motorhome to charge.
508 am Makeup Person screaming because chairs have not arrived.
509 am Congratulate self on not throttling Makeup Person.
510 am Motorhome generator discovered to be malfunctioning. PA arrives.
511 am Discover that your picture-car dashcards are at home on desk; cars due at 6 am.
512 am Pull out generic dashcard master from ‘Felix magic bag.’
513 am Hand generic dashcard to PA to copy on motorhome photocopier.
514 am Motorhome generator still not working: no copies available yet.
515 am Cops arrive, PA asks them to fill out I-9 forms; you apologise profusely to cops.
516 am Video Assist wants to know where camera will be, so he can set up away from it.
517 am Hand walkies to Cops, write down their names and check broadcast channels.
518 am Ask boss where camera will be.
519 am Boss asks, ‘Do you see our Director? Well, then how the hell should I know?’
520 am Boss informs you that second location has changed – you must inform all
Department Heads.
521 am Location Manager yelps about change of second location, runs from scene.
522 am APC hands you 4-pound envelope with hundreds of extra vouchers and actor
contracts, along with start paperwork for entire crew, call sheets, shot lists and
storyboards.
523 am Hand 4-pound envelope to PA, thinking you will sort it later; pull out call sheets,
shot lists and storyboards.
524 am Order walking burrito, which you will forget all about and it will be thrown away
and another one will have to be ordered, which you will start to eat but will drop when Boss calls you on the walkie.
525 am First Actress arrives, wants full breakfast.
526 am Hand breakfast order to PA while introducing first Actress to Makeup Person you
now hate.
527 am Start handing out call sheets, shot lists & storyboards – 1st one to Makeup Person
you hate, 2nd one to Hairdresser you think is kinda cute, 3rd one to first Actress.
528 am Hand out call sheets, shot lists and storyboards to crew grouped around breakfast table.
529 am Homeless person hassling people at breakfast table; someone wants to call a cop.
530 am Gently walk homeless person to corner, where you give him a banana, a bagel and a carton of juice.
531 am Second Actress is one minute late – has not arrived; take a deep breath.
532 am Call Transportation Coordinator on walkie to ask if second Actress was picked up.
533 am Transpo Coordinator asks you not to do his job for him.
534 am Hero Cars arrive; no one knows where to park the trailer.
535 am Call Transportation Coordinator on walkie to ask where to put Hero Car Trailer.
536 am Transpo Coordinator tolerantly asks your 20, says to wait for him there.
538 am Transpo Coordinator ignores you while telling Hero Car Driver where to put trailer.
539 am Ask Caterer for breakfast burrito, find out it was tossed when you didn’t come back.
540 am Grab box of cereal, start to eat it dry.
541 am Get walkie call from Boss: “How are my Actresses?”
542 am Start to choke on inhaled dry cereal while answering walkie call.
543 am Call Transpo Coordinator, ask about second Actress.
544 am Check on first Actress.
545 am Second Actress arrives, give her call sheet, shot list and storyboard.
546 am Introduce second Actress to Makeup Person you hate and Kinda-Cute Hairdresser.
547 am Write down second Actress’ breakfast order.
548 am Give second Actress’ breakfast order to Caterer while getting own breakfast burrito, bite into it – it’s hot!
549 am Simply enjoy the hot food for about 30 seconds because – well, you’re human.
550 am Call Transpo Coordinator on walkie to check on Director pickup at hotel.
551 am Transpo Coordinator tells you not to do his job for him.
552 am Director calls from hotel: van has not picked him up.
553 am Find Transpo Coordinator, ask to see his pickup list.
554 am Pick up crumpled pickup list from ground, attempt to smooth it on car fender.
555 am Damp car fender has made pickup list soggy.
556 am Boss calls for Car Prep Guys NOW – drop breakfast burrito while running to find them.
557 am Boss asks for Director; inform her that Director is still at hotel.
558 am Take quiet pleasure in Boss reaming Transpo Coordinator.
559 am Find your 3-battery maglite on the ground.
600 am Unasked, Teamster informs you that he left your 3-battery maglite on bus bench.

And that’s only the first hour or so. It goes on like this all day long, as people are choking from bus fumes, actresses get lost, people fight with each other, cars are moved and removed and the cops aren’t getting the right directions on the walkie, and the store owners are complaining about your crew blocking their entrances so you have to pony up $300 in petty cash to keep them happy. Not all the extras arrive on time because one is lost in Oakland and two are stuck at the parking lot and the Transpo Coordinator doesn’t have van to send to pick them up.

The Hero Actor is cranky about his girlfriend jilting him and wants to jump the Kinda-cute Hairdresser and asks you for the address of a good sportsbar for later. The Director asks you to make sure that his reservations for Chez Panisse are at the right time and your PA loses the 4-pound envelope with all the extra vouchers in it but it’s found later by the Set Medic who thinks you look just like a guy who was running around with his wife behind his back – ‘that wasn’t you, was it?’ – and you have to duck into your car three times during the day to change your shirt because you are sweating so much from all the exertion.

Lunch is served at 11:30 am, and you stand at the table to make sure that only your crew and actors eat – there are loafers and con artists circling for a free bite. You gulp down your lunch standing up while watching the equipment, then have a conference with your Boss who thinks you should have been moving faster all morning, and then it’s off to make the rest of the day go.

You first get your Actresses to Makeup and Hair (she is cute!) and then have Wardrobe check them for gravy-stains. Then in front of the camera with them, and you go to set background, which group comprises a lot of wannabee actors who think they deserve a shot at stardom. Amongst them are a few really good souls, but most are just ordinary people, with all the foibles and failings of the normal population - while a few have no business in this business.

At 430 pm, you stand in the center of California Street directing the traffic away from your oblivious crew, who would be squashed by angry motorists if ADs and cops did not work overtime to keep them alive. Swinging your arms rhythmically to keep the cars flowing, you suddenly realise that you are in the direst pain from your knees all the way to the pavement. You think about it for exactly 3.2 seconds, when you get a walkie call to head over to the corner to get the bum out of the shot. The bum says he his hungry and you wonder what you ate for lunch – you know that you ate, but you can’t remember for the life of you what you ate.

And so it goes, til 11:30 that night, when you head for your car and the long drive home – it’s quiet, there’s no traffic on the Bridge and the jazz on the radio is cool.

Yet More Tears for The Onion

2009-06-09T23:56:00.000-07:00

David Roland is at it again. We're hoping that someone from The Onion is occasionally scanning the internet for a mention of the paper... [see previous articles by Roland on this site]

Tiananmen/Khomeini Link Finally Out – 20 Years Too Late

Tiananmen Square, Beijing, June 4, 2009 - On the 20th Anniversary of Tiananmen Square Massacre, the “May 35th Incident” (as it is known in China, to avoid government crackdown on reports about the “Six-Four Occurrence”) has a special significance. This year, also the 20th anniversary of the death of Iran’s Ayatollah Sayyid Ruhollah Musavi Khomeini, we have the unique opportunity of perspective that allows us to look at a tragic accident transmuted by the press into an aggressive act by a weak government struggling with a counter-revolutionary student uprising.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

In fact, the tanks in the Square that day were there to honor the passing of Iran’s Ayatollah Khomeini on June 3, and the entire column of field ordnance was intended to make the traditional 21-gun salute to the fallen leader of Iran’s Revolution. In a lamentable case of human error gone horribly wrong, the turrets of the guns were not raised sufficiently, and unfortunately a number of students died.

One ironic point of the day was that Khomeini’s revolution was based in and fomented by the student population of Tehran - and here the Chinese were, killing the flower of their own intellectual youth. The Chinese government made the Tiananmen situation worse by claiming that the students had been jaywalking, and that particular crime was a serious threat to the integrity of the revolution. Subsequent attempts by various government departments to cover up the truth of that day have made the government look much worse.

One student (now known as ‘Tank Man’), standing with calendar in hand, was seen to stop the column of Chinese Type 59 tanks in the middle of Tiananmen Square, in an attempt to get them to raise their turret guns and avoid the carnage that was to come. Apparently, his dialect was not well understood by the tank commander, who parlayed with him before attempting a paso-doble in the middle of the square with the now-anonymous lad. Also called ‘the Unknown Rebel,’ the unidentified student is thought to have been executed for some weeks later for obstructing traffic. Other sources claim that the student is now a cell-phone magnate in Taiwan.

David Roland is a humorist who likes to make people wince as they are laughing - a rare trick. He is Hakim's close friend, and people who see them together should think carefully about the negative ramifications of calling them 'the two Daves.'

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Roland and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

THE POET

2009-05-30T20:34:00.000-07:00

The poet isn’t defined by what he writes. Some poets never write a single line. Some people write hundreds of verses and will never really be poets.

The poet isn’t defined by how he or she lives. Not every drunk is a poet, and most poets aren’t drunks. Anyone can adopt a Bohemian lifestyle – it won’t make one a poet any more than it makes one a Bohemian.

What then defines the poet? Perhaps this: how he perceives, feels and expresses all the phenomena and sensations coming around and through him. And what common thread runs through the diverse lives of poets, through their incongruous personalities?

~ Lorca stepping between the guns on the morning of his assassination.…

~ Hart Crane diving into a ship’s propeller….

~ Rimbaud, racing for life in Africa after shooting his lover, finally coming home to die of syphilis….

~ Camille Claudel, driven mad by love, destroying her own work….

~ Siefert handing out his poems mimeographed when the government bans his work….

~ Vallejo starving as he writes about the thin blade of loneliness….

~ Van Gogh’s ear rejected by a whore….

~ Pascal’s slashed wrists floating in the ruby water of his bathtub….

~ Artaud running with the mad….

~ Sylvia Plath’s head in the cold hissing oven….

~ Chatterton eating rat poison….

~ Hemingway blowing his brains into the orange juice….

~ Berryman flying off a bridge….

~ Burroughs accidentally shooting his wife in a Mexican bar….

~ Pound dragged through the streets in a cage….

~ Dostoevsky up against the bullet-scarred wall….

The common thread is a vague indefinable something that animates the poet and sends him or her swimming deep and flying high, til the very words ‘exalted’ and ‘degraded’ no longer have any meaning. It is a spark, a charge which drives him in the futile attempt to encompass all depth and height with his own being, to learn the questions, discover the answers, find the connections and essence.

The poet tells truth, using subtle arts: exaggeration, the misnaming of things, smoky oblique reflections, and those illogical but revealing comparisons. And all these acts would be considered unethical and dishonest if used in normal discourse. But for poetry they are the meat and sinew, the crushing muscle, the flashing nerve.

And why does the poet tell that story, use those clever arts? Because he or she is a poet, and that is what poets are driven to do. Because something burns in the most private heart of the poet, something which forces him – often against his will and contradicting all reason – to stretch the skin of his soul… so that tamer creatures might finally know how large they can grow.

-- Charles Bukowski, Lee Mallory & Hakim

What is Coming ~ The ‘Brave New World’ of the 21st Century

2009-05-30T20:14:00.000-07:00

So we are going into hard times. All signs point to that eventuality. Every news program warns of the impending crash of all we have come to depend on. We are going to face the toughest times imaginable, tougher than our parents and their parents suffered during the Great Depression. All the experts say so.

All right, so be it. Americans are tough and resilient, and they always have been. People who pick up stakes and travel halfway around the world in search of better conditions are a special breed, and for several centuries America has been the landing-place of that kind of person from every corner of the earth. We are all pioneers, or the descendants of pioneers; we are ‘can do’ people, and we know how to ‘make do’ – and that’s just what we will do.

‘Hard times’ is not an absolute; it is a construct of many smaller situations that will be defined differently by various people. And everyone has a different notion of what ‘hard times’ really means. But the interesting thing is that, like generals fighting the last war, those notions comprise details and situations of times past – which means that, operating in changing circumstances, most people will be trying to use old tools to do new jobs. But if we can realistically picture what is coming, we may be able to construct new intellectual tools to deal with the massive changes.

Infrastructure Changes

The most visible change seen during these hard times will be the decay of basic civic infrastructure. Cities and towns – once dependent on state or federal funding for basic services – will collapse, as they lose the struggle to keep vital services afloat. We will see a decline in those services: police and fire departments, hospitals, schools, garbage removal, utilities, and roadways. Libraries will be the first to go, though in the ‘enlightened’ areas (generally the more upscale towns) the libraries will quickly become volunteer-run, merely to keep their doors open as many hours per week as possible.

However, layoffs in police forces will create vacuums into which criminals will flow, and the process of re-stabilisation will be difficult. Fire departments will move – by fits and starts – to volunteer systems, managed by a few union employees at the top. Many hospitals will close, meaning that people will have to travel farther for medical treatment, something much harder to do without fuel-efficient cars. In some areas, this will mean travel of up to 100 miles for emergency treatment, and MediVac services will have all but disappeared in most areas.

Basic prices for utilities will go up, and people will have to learn very quickly how to get along while using less. Water will be come much more expensive, and coastal communities may well try to pump in seawater for most household uses. As we have seen in the past, lawns will disappear in most neighborhoods, replaced perhaps by cement painted green. ‘Rolling brownouts’ can be expected as a matter of course – no electricity for several hours during the day. (The irony here is that fighting a useless war in Iraq will turn America into a version of that country just after the invasion.)

Other services will suffer, as parks become deserts of unwatered grass and roadways become riddled with potholes. Public buildings will go uncleaned and unmaintained, and people will become accustomed to seeing all around themselves the unlovely process of decay.

Airports – very costly to maintain – will close in many areas, as more airlines trim their schedules and shrink fleets. Air travel will recede to the province of the rich, and even the ‘lucky’ rich will have to accept the inconvenience of only a single flight per day to many of their destinations.

Trains won’t be able to pick up the slack, since our legislators have allowed the once-flourishing rail system to fall into extreme disrepair. It will take years – and great expenditure – to build that vital infrastructure back up, and, as people learn more about the situation, the careers of many politicians will suffer. The crowd is likely to be very angry when it learns that the cheapest mode of transporting goods – trains – will not be ready to handle the increased needs in shipping when trucks become much less viable due to lack of fuel. And unfortunately, passenger train travel (which is now almost as expensive as air flights) will soon cost more than flying currently does – though the comforts of this kind of travel will disappear completely when upsurges in usage take their toll on facilities.

Even bus travel will become as expensive as air fares are currently, and the ride will be interminable, unpleasant, and occasionally dangerous. The current state of bus terminals is inadequate to handle the sheer number of bus travelers who will need the service when airports close and the trains fill up.

The toughest situation – the most profound change that will affect the future of America for much longer than any other – will be the lack of funding for schools. We can expect schools at all levels to cut back – far fewer teachers for fewer hours, and at a time when more students are entering the system. The resulting loss of basic education will produce a much less intelligent populace – a populace that will be easily manipulated by politicians, opinion-makers, and advertisers. We may see several generational waves of supposedly educated people who will actually rely much more on opinion and superstition than we have ever witnessed previously.

This lack of knowledge and reasoning in the American people will drive surges in jingoism and bigotry, and the result will not be pretty. America will become much more isolated on the world stage – as most countries will be – but America will be hit very hard by trade imbalances and foreign ownership of property within its borders, and America’s woeful educational state will create poor reactions to the global situation (about which more later).

Social Changes

The largest change will be a widening of the distance between haves and have-nots. As the middle class disappears, the upper class will shrink while the lower class grows. Previously, a large lower class was not the problem that it will become in the 21st Century – poor neighborhoods were traditionally safer than they have become toward the end of the last century. The widespread influx of drugs into poor neighborhoods in the last fifty years has turned many poor neighborhoods into dangerous and crime-ridden battlegrounds. And, because the population has been raised on the idea of entitlement, people will expect to continue a certain unrealistic standard of living. The combination of these two factors will mean more crime in the poor neighborhoods than was present even during the Great Depression, which did not have nearly the amount of interpersonal crime that is coming our way.

Joblessness will become more common, and more of a burden on an already-burdened economy. The election’s good news was offset by the news that unemployment in the Denver area of Colorado reached 25%, while the US Post Office announced layoffs of up to 40,000 jobs nationwide – the first layoff of postal employees in history. In the same month, Mexicans and Central Americans began heading back to their home countries, since work for them in the US was already drying up. While the tiny silver lining will reveal some of those jobs for Americans, the jobs will be very few and they won’t pay enough to keep the average American above the poverty level. (The only reason that most immigrants could afford to take those jobs was that many of them lived in commune-like situations, often with a dozen people in one apartment, sleeping in the beds in shifts. It is anyone’s guess how long – if ever – it would be before Americans would accept such sacrifices.)

The ‘super rich’ will still be protected by the remainder of their money, since a billionaire who loses 90% of his fortune still has $100 million, becoming part of the ‘very rich.’ The very rich will become the new merely rich – a person worth $100 million losing 90% of his fortune would still have $10,000,000. And in the ‘new economy,’ these folks will be the ones buying up the foreclosed properties of the disenfranchised middle class, thus laying the groundwork for their children to become wealthy when property values stabilise in one or two generations.

Many of these new merely rich people will flee the cities, moving onto large tracts of land in rural areas and setting themselves up (mostly) ‘off the grid.’ They will become the benefactors of numerous previously-failing small towns, and will start a new feudal system, keeping a small area thriving because that area supports them and their lifestyle.

The merely rich will become the new upper-middle class – a millionaire losing 90% of his fortune would still have $100,000. These people too might sell out and head for the country, becoming the new merchant class or service class, in an economy that will have no (or very few) imports.

The upper-middle class of the today (which is small compared to the current middle class) will painfully become the new middle class, and the working force of America that once was the middle class will descend into poverty. This process will be relatively swift, though it will seem longer because it will be trumpeted in all media – creating a kind of horror-show that will further debilitate those still hanging on to their jobs or homes.

The merely poor will become the homeless poor, as people who have lost their jobs are forced out of apartments and houses they can no longer afford. That homelessness will lead, in small part, to a rise in enlistments in the military and in religious missions, and to people ‘going on the road’ and living in their vehicles. There will be vast camps of these unfortunates outside every large town and city, just as there were in the Great Depression. This transformation will not be covered quite as much on the news, but will be the ‘open secret’ of every city and large town, as the camps become havens for criminals.

In other areas of life, garage sales will become much more prevalent to bring in money to stretch the budget, and these sales will move away from ‘weekend only’ events to ‘every day’ events. We will also see the return of itinerant salesmen – only this time, they will be selling off things that they or others once owned – going from door to door or from business to business with a suitcase or backpack filled with what they can carry in hopes of raising enough money to pay the landlord or the grocer.

There will certainly be a rise in alcoholism and drug abuse, with all the attendant problems of those diseases. Alcoholism will speed the process of unemployment and homelessness for many people, taking them out of the normal strata of society. Further, treatment facilities will have closed or cut back to the point where the ‘normal infrastructure’ for handling these problems will not be able to handle one-tenth of the cases needing treatment.

We can expect a rise in suicides, in paternal abandonment of families, and in sickness due to a number of factors related to less spending power – from heart attacks and stroke brought on by worry and panic, to an increase in pneumonia as the result of lack of healthy diet and proper care. And as health-care costs skyrocket and hospital staffs and services are reduced, we’ll see a rise in physical traumas, both large and small, when the Internet interacts with natural nitwittery to persuade people to try solving their own medical problems at home and without proper equipment or expertise.

As food becomes more expensive, more people turn small patches of land to subsistence farming, which will have both positive and negative effects. While becoming more self-sufficient is a good thing, home-farming may also lead to health issues caused by chemical contamination of land (especially in urban areas, where toxins have leaked into the ground from gas stations, auto repair shops, and factories). Other people will simply eat less, or eat ‘cheaper’ – switching to cheap processed foods – resulting in more widespread health declines.

Rising food prices could also affect the growing of feed crops, since fewer people will be able to afford beef. This would reduce the feeding of corn cattle – 17 pounds of corn to get one pound of beef – and the land used to grow the corn could be turned to other crops, crops needed to feed the hungry here at home. It is an irony that we import produce from other countries, while we could be growing enough food to actually feed some of those countries.

There would still be the question of the vast amount of fertile farmland adjacent to cities that was turned into suburbs in the past century – probably America’s most profound mistake of the 1900s. This insane idea of ‘progress’ left urban areas to blight and decay, while destroying valuable farmland and placing an even greater burden on farmlands in which minerals were diminishing – causing even greater amounts of additives to be used. No one knows at this point how those lands can be reclaimed for more sensible use – nor whether the land can even be reclaimed safely and how expensive such an operation might be. But many will decry the short-sightedness of developers and urban planners in the years to come.

And many still point out that Americans have been using up the earth’s resources at an alarming rate – author Fred Pearce (Confessions of an Eco-Sinner) reports that, to maintain the lifestyle of an average American (considering all the electronic and labor-saving devices, etc), a citizen in the Roman Empire would have required about 6,000 slaves. In his excellent documentary, Consume This Movie, Gene Brockoff quotes environmentalist and simplicity expert Dwayne Elgin: "If the whole world consumed in the way that Americans do, it would take five planets to sustain our lifestyle."

Perhaps the current situation will convince us to put our priorities elsewhere, to consume less and waste less, to allow the planet to heal a bit, while we try to align science and industry to actually save the resources we have been squandering so wildly in our rush to satisfy the dogs of rampant capitalism and avoid recession.

Dangerous Changes

As things get tougher for the folks at the bottom of the economic scale, the coming hard times will bring a rise in crime – violent crime, robbery, and property crimes. One of the axioms of economics is that crime increases during two periods of a society’s arc – first, when the economy is just getting itself into gear and the middle class begins to rise, and second, when the inevitable economic declines come.

And as people are put out of work, even those who have always been law-abiding will turn to some kind of crime – though usually this will be non-violent and more ‘white collar’ (fraud, passing bad checks, shoplifting). Homelessness – the lack of an address itself – will lead to a certain amount of petty crime.

The new ‘cottage economy’ will lead to a rise in smaller crimes, as local yard-sales and itinerant salespeople are struck by strong-arm robbers, shoplifters, or ‘snatch-&-grab thieves.’

We can expect a huge increase in committed felonies, leading to a surge felony convictions that will put pressure on our clogged court systems and our already-overcrowded prisons. As ‘basic services’ decline, we will see other related problems. Car hijackings will become common, until the time that gas prices will be driven up so much that cars are no longer used as much. Burglaries will be common, as will the crimes of shoplifting, purse-snatching, and mugging.

International Changes

Internationally, we can expect the news to be dire. Climate change and economic crises will throw many developing countries back into physical states that existed a century or more ago. Americans will be empathetic to the plight of those people, but they won’t have much to give and little inclination to give it.

Travel outside US borders will diminish greatly, due to greatly increased travel costs and threats to safety and security on the ground overseas. Americans living abroad will be affected, as the local situations in foreign countries become more and more dangerous. Robberies and kidnappings will increase, and foreigners perceived by locals as wealthy (including Americans) will often find themselves targets.

Within our own borders, the amount of real estate and other holdings now in the hands of foreign entities will cause much resentment among Americans (who have never been very tolerant of foreigners). Because of the sheer amount of land and business properties owned by Asians (predominantly Chinese, Japanese, and Korean), a new kind of economically-generated racism will arise in the US – especially toward Asians, regardless of nationality. One particularly unfortunate aspect of this racism will be that it is very likely to be manifested against Asians who live nearby and who have grown up in the area, not against the actual owners of the properties (who are likely to live in wealthy US enclaves, if not in Asia).

A parallel racism can be expected against Latinos, totally undifferentiated by country of origin. As jobs become more scarce, white Americans (who wouldn’t have taken certain low-paying jobs before) will want jobs held by workers from Mexico or elsewhere in Central and South America. While we may not see the kind of rioting and killing that marked racist mob activity in the early part of the 20th Century, we are certain to see ‘retributive’ violence against those that typically jingoistic Americans perceive as one of the root causes of our economic woes.

Possible Good Changes

So the future doesn’t appear to be very bright, but even in harsh times there are opportunities for those with foresight and the energy to persevere. The human species is adaptable and resilient, and we may expect that human intelligence will provide us many different means with which a sizable fraction of the population will be able to rise to the occasion and prevail. A rise in faith healing and churchgoing in general may be expected as well, as people gather together to try to solve the problems that they all face equally.

One bright spot may come with garbage removal – though the cost of removal may only go up a small amount, the companies will remove far less garbage. But there won’t be quite so much garbage, since people will embrace recycling on a much broader scale, as they realise how much money they are discarding every week in the form of recyclable containers and paper. People will want the few dollars obtainable from cans and bottles, and most forms of plastic will rise in value. In fact, on a day in the not-too-distant future, enterprising businessmen will open up landfills to reclaim recyclables. As prices for materials rise, entrepreneurs will strip-mine the landfills for precious glass, plastics, and metals.

Also on the brighter side, people will interact more within their own communities, getting to know their neighbors. Community-building will evolve as it once did in tribal situations, with exchanges of labor and the lending of tools and equipment that cannot be purchased. There will be a resurgence of the commune movement in numerous areas of the country, as those with means get out of the deteriorating cities and back to rural living.

As loss of jobs make rents unaffordable – and as people need to increase passive incomes – we will see more people looking for roommates and others taking in boarders. This situation too till add to the general community-building that will help to see us through the coming hard times. We will become a nation of boarding houses, as in the time of the Great Depression, when the ‘woman of the house’ served meals to the boarders who had purchased the ‘board’ with the room.

Perhaps the most hopeful news is that, as food prices rise, all the valuable US farmland that has been turned over to the imbecility of ethanol production from corn will be returned to food crops, easing food shortages and encouraging local and sustainable farming. This is a crucial item in our collective future, since there is already enough corn going to feed cattle, and the shortages of all kinds of vegetables can be made up if corn farmers would quit trying to grow expensive forms of gasoline.

Turning Changes into Transformation

In 1989, with the fall of the Berlin Wall, news commentators became quite fond of the phrase ‘the failure of the Communist experiment’ – as if the USSR were running the only economic experiment in town. No one even considered that there might at some time be a ‘failure of the capitalist experiment,’ but now it seems we are witnessing it. Only the drastic measures of FDR’s administration saved America (with a bit of help from World War II), and only exactly the same kind of drastic measures will save the United States in the Brave New World of the 21st Century.

Saving any semblance of the America we all have come to love and rely on will be a tough job, and only hard work and sacrifice will get the job done. We are not certain that several generations of a populace accustomed to ‘entitlements’ (compounded by widespread inadequate education) will be able to meet the challenge. The last generation that had to show that kind of grit and moxie is dying off, and our leaders have pandered to the people instead of leading.

An end to partisan politics would help enormously, as wwould the media addressing the problem from a new standpoint (education and encouragement instead of fear and gossip-mongering). We all have lessons to learn, and it’s very hard to learn while complaining about ‘the way things are’ and wishing for ‘the way things used to be.’

And if the new administration cannot convince Congress to use the federal government to implement a new New Deal – one that involves new versions of the FDR’s WPA and the CCC (the Works Progress Administration and the Civilian Conservation Corps) – we will be facing the worst of the progressive and cumulative effects of the economic meltdown. A careful reading of Frances Perkins would help – she was a co-author of the original New Deal.

There is some hope in recent news reports that more than 200,000 people have applied for jobs to Obama Administration – though because under normal circumstances a new president only is responsible for hiring about 15,000 people, the ratio of applicants to available jobs stands at about 13:1.

Still, the fact that so many want to become part of a history-making epoch is a hopeful sign. The government can put people to work, rebuilding and maintaining the infrastructure that America now desperately needs. The unions may complain, but unions are run by negotiators and agreements can be forged to put union workers into every project to train the unskilled into workers who will join those very unions.

And if Congress does not become the obstructionist Typhon that it can be, this Administration has a chance of pulling the country through. And, though the pain will be felt by all who work for a living, the rebirth of America may be the beginning of a better future.

I am not pleased to make these predictions. In fact, I will be the first to be pleased at being proven wrong in any or all of them. But in the interest of acknowledging that ‘a thing is what it is and no other’ and ‘calling a thing by its correct name,’ I must name the storms coming, so that we may prepare for them. And if we can get together, help each other, and make those preparations - we may all come out of this tunnel as better, stronger persons.

One can hope. One can hope…

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

The ‘Live Chat’ Agent

2009-05-29T21:28:00.000-07:00

I was told recently that there is not enough humor in the world, so I thought this would be a nice change from the 'deep thought' normally offered here.

While looking for a certain product to help with sleep apnea to send my dear elder auntie for her son, I chanced on this website that immediately threw up a window saying, “Wait! Our agent would like to talk to you. Please click 'CANCEL' on the next window to chat with our agent.”

So, accustomed to using Skype to talk to friends abroad, I out on my headset in hopes of hearing a person at the other end of the line. Instead, I found myself in a ‘live chat’ session with 'Heather,' the promised agent. This is the conversation that ensued.

Heather says: Don't leave yet! If you want a restful night's sleep CLICK HERE so everybody gets a good nights sleep. We feature a 90-day money back guarantee.

Heather says: Order now and we'll include a Bonus: [first bonus] DVD + [second bonus] book at NO EXTRA CHARGE.

You: you don’t need to shout. i’m right here

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: who are you

Heather says: I am a help agent, my name is Heather and I can answer most of your questions.

You: most?

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

Heather says: Wouldn't you love a great night's sleep? What are you waiting for CLICK HERE and order now so everybody gets a good nights sleep.

You: you do know that there's an apostrophe after the "t" in "night's"

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: you’re kinda ducking your job here, heather – pushing me off on someone else…

Heather says: yes

You: why is that?

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: there you go again

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: ai, yai, yai

Heather says: To order over the phone just call us at XXX-XXX-XXXX.

You: been looking for someone to talk to about representing the product. who might that be?

Heather says: To order over the phone just call us at XXX-XXX-XXXX.

You: you are a robot

Heather says: Of course I'm not real but wish I were :)

Heather says: I can answer most of your questions though.

You: no i need a person

Heather says: Sorry I didn't understand.

You: pretty good for a robot though

Heather says: Of course I'm not real but wish I were :)

Heather says: I can answer most of your questions though.

You: oops. i found your glitch ha ha

Heather says: Surgeons have discovered that snoring can kill. Stop snoring now.

You: i'm not snoring NOW… i only snore when i sleep

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: no i don't need any help snoring – I snore pretty well on my own, but thanks

Heather says: Of course I'm not real but wish I were :)

Heather says: I can answer most of your questions though.

You: yah, you told me that

Heather says: I can try to help, just ask me a question.

You: how old are you anyway?

Heather says: I'm fine, a little closed in today though.

You: must be close quarters for you, stuffed there in the motherboard

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: yah, but how old are you?

Heather says: I'm fine, a little closed in today though.

You: we covered that already. i got it, i got it

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: broken record?

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: much more of this conversation and i will be snoring

Heather says: Don't let snoring ruin your sleep. Get the [product name] and put an end to a bad night's sleep. CLICK HERE to order now.

You: have you whitened your teeth? they look pretty white in the picture

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: no, if I decide to whiten my teeth, i’ll go to a dentist

Heather says: Are you still there? Type "Hi" or "Hello" just to let me know.

You: hi

Heather says: Thanks! There's nothing worse than not getting a good night's sleep. If you are serious about feeling rested in the morning then order now by CLICKING HERE. [this product] is not sold in stores.

You: do you have apnea?

Heather says: [product name] can treat apnea but you should of course consult your physician. We offer a money back guarantee so CLICK HERE and start getting a better night's sleep.

You: do you use one?

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: does your boyfriend use one?

Heather says: Many people buy [product name] for their partner. Why not give it a try? We offer a money back guarantee.

You: got a boyfriend?

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: if you had a boyfriend, he'd be just some bytes stuffed in the motherboard too, wouldn't he?

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: girlfriend?

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: yah, it's hard being helpless.

Heather says: I'm not sure I can help. You should call at XXX-XXX-XXXX and an agent will be glad to help you.

You: ok, bye...

Heather says: You'll find [product name] is comfortable and effective. There's nothing worse than not getting a good night's sleep. CLICK HERE to order and I hope you start getting some rest.

You: ok, bye

Heather says: You'll find [product name] is comfortable and effective. There's nothing worse than not getting a good night's sleep. CLICK HERE to order and I hope you start getting some rest.

You: yah, i get it... bye now

Heather says: You've got nothing to risk with our money back guarantee, isn't a good night's sleep worth it? CLICK HERE to return to the site.

You: buh-bye!

[disconnect]

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Hidden Messages: Turns Out Road Rage Display Behavior Is Misunderstood!

2009-05-27T22:51:00.000-07:00

Came across this piece by my very talented friend, David Roland, and thought I'd share it here, where it might do some of my readers some good.

Road Rage Display Behavior Finally Explained

by David Roland

While we think we know what the underlying messages that aggressive drivers are displaying, two researchers at the California College of Business Synergy in Berkeley have uncovered the actual meanings of the gestures and other non-verbal communications that angry drivers display.

The two young scientists took life and limb into their own hands during the 26-week study, by interviewing drivers displaying road rage just after each of those drivers was involved in an aggressive incident.

Thomas Hodgkins and Cecily Blazold spent major portions of each day driving around, encountering various forms of road rage behavior, attempting to interview the subjects displaying road rage behaviors, then analyzing their data according to the latest theories and discoveries in psychoanalysis. For six long months, they gave up all vestige of a social life to spend time driving around the Bay Area. (The study would have been conducted more quickly, except that they were involved in three separate accidents with drivers who accidentally ran them off the road while they were endeavoring to commence the interviews.)

All the work done by the intrepid young researchers was videotaped for later study, and the tapes catalogued for various behavior types and situations. In the safety of their lab, it is quite entertaining to witness these incidents on tape and to hear the remarks made by seemingly enraged drivers. “But you can’t really rely on their verbal communications to give you a true picture,” says Hodgkins. “It’s very much like people being interviewed about their significant others, in the presence of their significant others – there’s a lot going on under the surface, and people’s protective mechanisms just click into place.”

“That’s why we spent so much time conducting interviews,” continues Blazold. “You have to get the subject away from any reminder of the emotions, in order to get them to address their true feelings.”

Below are several examples of the actual translations these brave young scientists were able to parse from the thousands of gestures, gesticulations and other non-verbal clues they studies on the hundreds of hours of tapes they made during the study.

Middle finger of either hand, raised: “I have registered your disapproval and I agree that my actions are the direct cause of your annoyance. At some point when we have more time, we should discuss the matter in depth.”

Incessant honking of horn: “I find your current driving behavior distracting and potentially dangerous, and I fervently hope that you will take this admonition to heart and drive with more consideration in the future. Do have a nice day!”

Fist extended out of window, shaking back and forth: “I understand your consternation, but wish to point out that it is a big world and there are a lot of us in it, so you may have to make some adjustments in your expectations. I certainly hope things improve for you today!”

Aggressive Tailgating: “I would really rather that you use public transportation, as I feel you have become a menace to the safety of all concerned citizens. How about rethinking your position on carpooling and taking the bus?”

Aggressive Tailgating while flashing brights: “While I understand that one or more of your parents was born in an undeveloped country and that you are doing the best that you can behind the wheel of that car, still I must take that particular maneuver as an insult to all intelligent drivers, and ask that you forbear from making it in the future. I can recommend a good driving school that will make your life much easier and your time on the road much safer.”

Swerving next to car as if to run your vehicle off the road: “This is all very bothersome to me, and I am feeling especially vulnerable today, so please excuse my rudeness – I will no doubt feel much better after I’ve kicked my dog a few times. Perhaps in the future we can explore these feelings in a quiet atmosphere.”

These are only a few of the translations of signs given other drivers – signs that are often misunderstood and assumed to be aggressive or at least negative behavior. “All drivers should be aware that what they see is not always what the other driver is experiencing,” says Blazold, “and it probably would serve them to take into account that various signs and gestures may have different meanings to others.”

David Roland is a humorist who likes to make people wince as they are laughing - a rare trick. He is Hakim's close friend, and people who see them together should think carefully about the negative ramifications of calling them 'the two Daves.'

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Roland and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Baby Boomers vs ‘The Greatest Generation’

2009-05-23T01:58:00.000-07:00

Here's another piece from several years back that I would love to see become the basis of a documentary... kind of a Ken-Russell-meets-the-Yes-Men, done by Chris Guest and Eugene Levy. There is a lot here that could be explicated using humor, and it might make for a cultural healing, if only we would let the ideas do their work.

Not long ago, a national magazine published an article called ‘The Worst Generation,’ contrasting the Baby-boomer generation of Americans (born between the end of World War II and the early 60s) with ‘The Greatest Generation’ (those who fought in World War II). The article set out to cast ‘Boomers’ into the shadow formed by their parents, attempting to show the quality of the latter group and the inferiority of the former. I read that article with interest – possibly self-interest, having had the random luck of being born between the two arbitrary year markers set out to start a description of a huge segment of the population.

Unlike many of my fellow ‘Boomers,’ I was raised by my grandparents, and so came to a fuller perspective on life, a perspective which might even be said is akin to that of the ‘Greatest Generation.’ Along with that perspective, there came some reasoning power, some thought-strength which alerts me when the entire thesis of an argument is flawed.

Comparisons of groups of people are ticklish affairs. Even studies of large groups of disparate types of people can be hazardous to your thinking. False premises abound for the unwary. The first is that any group might be homogeneous. Boomers, whose birth-range covers 18 years, can’t possibly represent a single generation in education, cultural and social perspective, general emotional maturity, intent, or knowledge. It is also an absurdity to assume that any subgroup of Boomers (grouped by other demographic factors than age) would be alike in many areas, because the rapidly-changing dynamics of the times preclude that one group of people can have the same outlook and focus as a group born so long previous.

Another false premise is that any segment of Boomers, grouped by a closer age-range, could represent an homogeneous group. I went to school with Young Republicans, while I was a radical who opposed the Vietnam War on moral grounds. But I didn’t hide in the Ivy Tower – I came from a Navy family and would have gladly served my country in a legitimate war that wasn’t a sham, both politically and morally. In fact, it angered me that my military career was curtailed by our country’s egregious foreign policies, which only deteriorated as time went on until we find ourselves (under-equipped) in Iraq with no ‘exit strategy.’

Not every Boomer dropped acid, spurned lipstick, or burned a draft card wrapped in a bra. To assume otherwise is the logical fault of painting an entire group with the same brush. I grew up with echoes of World War II ringing in my ears, shooting capguns at ‘japs’ and ‘nazis’ before I even knew the meaning of those words (having learned a not-so-subtle racism from the much-lauded ‘Greatest Generation’). A kid born in 1960 was an altogether different creature from my friends and myself, and the gap would become more pronounced as time went on. That kid, or one born in 1964, would always know JFK as some kind of hero on a big coin, and was just three years old during the Summer of Love, never even contemplating actually having sex until the Sixties were long over.

The cultural drift many decry is the result of many things: the growth of corporations and the spread of patents (both dating from the late Renaissance), the threat of annihilation, the experimentation with the economy – not to mention advertising, the true locust-cloud of our time. It is actually thought itself which has changed: attitudes toward life and other humans, and the manner in which each person faces the life bestowed. As time has compressed, the number of things in the world has increased, and our institutions and ethics have had an effortful and unsuccessful time keeping up with those changes.

A twenty-year generational grouping was probably perfect back when time – and events – moved at a more leisurely pace. But with the coming of the 20th century, things changed. Long is the list the events which sped those changes: telegraph, telephone, electric lighting, indoor plumbing, medical and other technical advances like airplanes, war tanks, and automobiles. Perhaps it was fair to call a ten-year grouping a ‘generation’ in the Roaring Twenties, but it cannot be to do so now. And to call an 18-year grouping a ‘generation’ is silly beyond belief. I frankly wonder that so many otherwise intelligent people fall for that faulty logic.

I also wonder why people continue to insist on unfavorably comparing the ‘Boomers’ with ‘The Greatest Generation’ – and vice-versa. Is it some sort of age-old father/son competition? Persons who do so are buying into a profound conceptual folly, taking potshots at a crowd which must include at least some of their heroes as well.

Actually, ‘potshots at a crowd’ is almost the perfect metaphor for the entire Boomer situation – and for any argument that idealises one generation at the expense of another. That afternoon at Kent State was the mirror held up to our times: one group of kids (Boomers) shooting into another group of unarmed kids (Boomers). Who put those guns in the kids’ hands? Who trained them to shoot and to follow orders? Who gave the fatal orders? It is unlikely that Boomers could have done any but the last item, and improbable that they did even that. Those green young National Guardsmen were schooled and molded by members of the ‘Greatest Generation.’

And the mirror doesn’t lie: everything my ‘generation’ learned, we learned from our fathers - and mothers. We learned, we absorbed, we synthesized and extended. Yet Boomers have been described as self-centered and self-aggrandising. Self-centered? For many, the Fifties was a self-centered bath of personal comforts, prepared by those celebrating their survival of the ‘Great Depression’ and the War. Self-aggrandising? Isn’t aggrandisement of self the subtle heart of the incipient racism and classism of previous generations (extending back, in America’s case, to ‘the founding fathers’)?

Each generation takes what it can take from the pool and gives what it will give – right, wrong or indifferent. It isn’t so much about ‘us and them’ as about ‘all of us and these changing exigencies of our lives.’ There are good and bad elements in every ‘generation,’ and I hope that we do not teach purblindness to the generations with whose future thought processes we have been trusted. It is the responsibility and duty of our teachers to teach openly and fairly, withholding personal bias in favor of seeking all the facts, to guide young minds to think for themselves – rather than to accept the party line or the rantings of embittered politicos who may happen to be their professors. Only by keeping our universities free, by not trying to control content, can we hope to have future generations which will be better than we are, more able to cope with changes, more suited to the future which they will inherit.

But the whole argument about ‘Boomers vs The Greatest Generation’ is one big exercise in cheap generalities, careless thought and sloppy argument. No wonder the larger fraction of the American public can’t think clearly, fed as they are on disingenuous pap, propaganda disguised as opinion, outright lies by their ‘leaders’ (whether cultural or political). Of course, that is what the public wants, after all - to be led and cosseted, and told what to think and do. The media continues to present them with a collection of half-baked sentiments masquerading as thoughts and ideas. But I shudder to realise that our colleges and universities harbor professors indulging in carelessness, in the shoddy building of thesis and argument, resulting in enormous waste of creative power.

But there is a third false premise in the pitting of one generation against another, a mistake made in almost every anti-war movie ever produced: the demonisation of one side. How can the audience really feel the waste and tragedy of war when that emotion is pushed aside by a stronger visceral reaction, one engendered by a discernible villain to hate? By casting one ‘generation’ against another, we miss the entire point: all generations have their noble few, their plodding many, their great and silent apathetic masses. They all possess within them individuals who are greedy, as well as the guileless, the cynical, and the idealistic.

We are all of us human, all marked with the same tendencies and needs and wants. These traits are part of the human psyche. Victorian women in New York suffered lead poisoning from the white makeup they slathered on themselves in an attempt to ‘stay in fashion.’ Others bound their waists so tightly that they irreparably damaged their viscera. Can we really believe that every woman of our grandmothers’ (or great-grandmothers’) generation would have spurned breast augmentation or liposuction – had it been safe, inexpensive, and available to them?

It is true that recent generations were generally ‘given everything,’ where most previous generations grew up in harsher conditions. Boomers were presented with opportunities at every turn, and had them thrust on us by the world at large and by our parents, who were admittedly affected by previous privations that could not be ignored. Some kids were spoiled by their parents, while other parents took the absurd tack of emulating their kids, which often made them look ridiculous indeed.

The simple fact is that Boomers just became much more visible than any previous generation, as the spread of television and the globalisation of our culture thrust us into people’s living rooms every night on sitcoms, on the news, in movies and in magazines and newspapers. As a group, we became the center of attention, and don’t think some of us didn’t deliberately play to it for all it was worth. But that situation too serves to distort the facts. It made us seem more important than we actually were, a point readily made if one looks at one item generally taken to be an immanently ‘Boomer’ phenomenon – marijuana. An overview of the recent history of marijuana reveals immediately that the Boomers as a ‘group’ still haven’t got the political clout to legalise the damn stuff after almost 50 years of effort. If the thesis of ‘generational homogeneity’ were even close to true, we’d all be buying packages of ‘Blue Boo’ or ‘Gentle Gauge’ or ‘Happy Herb’ or ‘420’ cigarets at the corner store, paying a hefty use tax to the government. But we’re not – what’s that about?

Like most of American life, it’s probably all about issues, and the truth is that there is no single ‘American public’ viewing (or deciding) the issues. There are only a collection of ‘publics,’ overlapping, sharing interests in a broader or narrower fashion – but no one group can even begin to embody the contradictions of the ‘American’ mind. Notions of homogeneity are nonsense – and even dangerous when included in ‘discussions’ in national magazines or on TV.

Some of us were fighting against the Vietnam action long before it threatened us – like ’64 or ’65, when we were still in public schools, not yet shaving, unaware of the true reality of that awful threat. Without their kids providing a conscience – for whatever reason – most Americans might have shrugged off the atrocities in Southeast Asia as ‘the cost of doing business,’ just as they are today shrugging off the war in Iraq as ‘a necessary part of bringing democracy to the Middle East’ (and oil to the world).

Sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll weren’t invented by my ‘generation,’ though many of us often acted like they were. And there were a lot of fortysomethings crashing – and throwing – parties in the 60s and 70s. And yes, many Boomers did embrace Reagan’s rapacity (don’t forget that $3 trillion debt) – but they don’t represent the entirety of the ‘generation.’ And when we hear George W’s lectures on social responsibility, we have to remember that he personally has never shown any sort of fiscal responsibility and seeks to turn the entire country into Republicans through a variety of ‘parlor tricks.’

Of course, large parts of the ‘American public’ [not just Boomers] have said about Clinton, “How dare he behave like one of us!” Americans have a long and cherished history of pulling down their heroes for showing that they are human. The ‘straight press’ has only sniffed the wind and adjusted course to become the pillory of American society that the tabloid press had once been. We – all generations of Americans raised puritans in our schools, irrespective of religious affiliation – want our heroes perfect, impeccable, safe. In other words, dead. Anyone elevated to hero status has to die or fall, or America just won’t be happy.

Some wag called this new crop of little altruists ‘Letterman’s kids,’ ‘ironic but not cynical.’ Boy, does that miss more than one mark. Most of these kids wouldn’t know real irony if it bit them in the ass, and cynicism is endemic, though not the film-noir type with which we are familiar. It is ironic too that some think of Letterman as some paragon of social attitude, that man described elsewhere as “a 52-year old…stogie sucker … workaholic perfectionist whose scabrous self-loathing and growling hostility are unmatched on network TV.” Quite a choice for an ‘ironic but not cynical’ role model. Letterman’s faux-courteous but mocking attitude has infected a lot of young people, especially males, who think that mocking something is the same as understanding it, or improving it. None of Letterman's humor does anything to point toward improvement – it is puerile, smug, and extremely self-satisfied. He would do well to practice humility, since he does have so much to be humble about, sitting on the sidelines and jeering at others while offering no true perspective, no solutions, no answers.

It is truly ironic that the corporate models of late 20th-century America and the personal ethic of ‘captains of industry’ were all visited on us by the Harvard MBA Class of 1949. Gordon Gecko was only the natural extension of a philosophy that has been building for more than 150 years – at least since Vanderbilt sent William Walker and his small army of mercenaries to ‘pacify’ Nicaragua in 1847.

The logical extension of that little escapade in 19th-century ‘nation building’ – the School of the Americas – was not started by Boomers, any more than were the HUAC hearings, the Tuskegee Experiment, or other heinous offerings of previous generations. But to lay blame on an entire group is wrong – and false. Invective against anyone not interested ‘in the lasting result of the creative process,’ or against anyone for ‘trampling on the rights of others,’ might be leveled against any segment of any generation at any time in our history.

We’ve heard about the Civil Rights Movement continuing ‘without strong support’ from Boomers on college campuses. Oh, really? I was there, and stand witness to the fact that the college crowd was just about the only strong support in numbers that the movement had from ‘white America.’ Without a whole segment of one ‘generation’ behind it, the Movement might have missed the watchful eye of the Gatekeepers in the media [the Greatest Generation and the one previous] – and failed to gain needed political momentum in the white establishment.

And who gave us that generational group the sobriquet ‘hippie’? Life Magazine, run and managed by our parents and grandparents. The previous generation has been defining us since it taught us to walk. In our schools, the previous generation taught us how to define ourselves – and in its own language, not ours.

And this is a crucial point – every generation down through history has fought this battle with its predecessor. Every generation has looked back and said “No,” only to look forward a few years later and said, “Oh, no.”

Somewhere in a cave is a pictograph that translates “Screw Og, my axe is better,” next to one that says, “Mog is grounded til saber-tooth season.”

For every argument pulled up to bolster a biased argument, there are countless others to support not only the opposing argument, but a true and objective picture of the times and of the sad, colorful, varied, sometimes noble, hopeful people who struggled through them.

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Opera in the Lark

2009-05-21T21:03:00.001-07:00

Looks like opera is making its way around the scene again. Started as a sort of elevated popular entertainment in Italy the early 1800s, opera outpaced other entertainments and took Vienna and Paris by storm, finally turning into the highest of highbrow entertainment by the close of the century.

In fact, the form had become so elite and distanced from the popular culture that, through the verismo era, opera’s ‘golden age’ developed ‘exotic’ themes that had a kind of vérité aspect, focusing on the lower classes.

I was at the San Francisco opera recently and was surprised by the number of people who had shown up in sweatpants and jerseys – something I found shocking, and anoying. I myself was not wearing a tux; I’d dressed in sport jacket and tie. I realised that when people no longer bothered to dress for the evening, it was only a natural progression for opera itself to start to shift.

And shift it has: we are now back to the elevated popular entertainment, as opera loses some of its high-falutin’ shine. We’ve seen Opera in the Park. We’ve braved the crowds for Opera in the Ballpark. And now there’s Opera in the Moviehouse. Opera’s gone pop, as multiplexes have started showing simulcasts with all our favorite stars – and in between those broadcasts of live shows from the Met or the SF Opera, we’re able to see ‘encore’ performances – prerecorded shows directed from the booth just as the cameras are directed for the live shows.

The Lark Theater (Larkspur’s small independent) recently had a great opera program going on, and it seems that the Lark filled the seats. We’re glad about that, and we hope you are too.

After an Opening Night Gala to put people in the mood, the Lark showed a lineup to be proud of – from Strauss's Salome to Adams' mindbending Doctor Atomic, the program seemed to try to catch everything in between: Berlioz's La Damnation De Faust, Massenet's Thais, Puccini's La Rondine, Gluck's Orfeo Ed Euridice, Donizetti's Lucia Di Lammermoor, Bellini's La Sonnambula, and Rossini's La Cenerentola. (And when are they going to revive that local story made so 'foreign' by Puccini - La Fanciulla del West [La chica del oeste o La ragazza dell'ovest]?)

At roughly thirty bucks a seat, this isn’t some lowbrow entertainment. But the actual live shows charge far more, so the cost isn’t perceived as astronomical. And, as Hollywood utters fewer films per year – by the latest figures, all studios average about a 40% drop in number of films produced (though the studios, in their need to keep putting out enough films to hold the screens, are picking up many films at festivals for at or near negative cost) – the theater chains need something to pick up the slack.

And opera’s just the thing, apparently. With the appeal of a continental background (and the exotic quality of something known but not fully understood by the mass of moviegoers), opera may be finding its place in the sun… er, or on the screen.

So what’s next, sporting events and horse races at the old Bijou?

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Man Down

2009-05-21T20:03:00.000-07:00

This piece was done last year, to mark the passing of a troubled friend. But it has a certain resonance right now, as we are losing another friend, and the process is slow enough for our horde-like family to gather and celebrate before the fact. And, since that was more-or-less the point of the original piece, it seems quite appropriate to put it up now.

Our community has suffered several losses lately, as friends and colleagues continue to pass away. And the philosopher’s words are truth – when one of us dies, the loss belongs to all of us. When that death is a suicide, the loss is felt more keenly, and it does not matter whether that is so because of a young life cut short, or the waste of human potential for love and artistic endeavor and all that makes life human, or because each of us has a secret place for our sorrow and feelings of despair that is touched by the untimely and intentional death of another.

In some rooms, suicide is called ‘a permanent solution to a temporary problem,’ suggesting that the act is like wrecking a car because it has run out of gas. Just keep in the game, this thinking goes, and something will happen to change the play in your favor.

My own take on it is a bit different: suicide is ‘a temporary solution to a permanent problem,’ because – no matter what religion or spiritual creed one follows – we are going to have to deal with the effects of that action… and the lack of diligence in working out the original problem in the first place.

Several years ago, a film was made here that dealt with that theme – What Dreams May Come – and though the film was not overtly Christian, it still espoused a Christian notion of Heaven and Hell. Not all of us believe in that model of the universe, and some of us believe in kharma and rebirth to work through spiritual issues. And clearly our religions, whatever we may call them and whatever they may tell us about ‘afterlife,’ are giving us the same message: stick it out, deal with it, make progress, and find a happy reward when you are pulled from the game.

I don’t judge suicide – everyone has their reasons for what they do, and perhaps that kind of passage is part of their larger destiny to end their own lives. But I feel the waste and sadness of a life cut short; I feel the same way many of us felt several weeks ago – that I could have, would have done something to help a friend and colleague in pain. The death of one of our community is our loss in common, and my mind and heart goes to what we can do about that situation in the future, before the next time, perhaps to prevent it for some one of our dear friends.

I’ve lost several friends this year, and the older I get the fewer living friends and the more dead ones I have. The last few years have seen a number of old-timers leave our ranks as well, and it’s never easy to say goodbye to friends or loved ones. Some years ago, I lost the last friend I will ever have who was twice my age, and that came as a shock, to realise that people just don’t live long enough to be twice my age. Maybe that’s why I have friends half my age, eh?

So what’s this piece about anyway? What’s my narrative here? Well, I’d like to suggest that we honor each other, doing something now, while the person can know we care and feel the depth of that caring, and perhaps avoid standing in a redwood grove on a foggy morning talking about how we might have helped.

Let’s help now – let’s throw surprise parties or call one another up with invites to spontaneous, wacky jaunts to the racetrack or to inner-tube on the river, or even to go hiking down to the beach.

Or this: inviting friends to watch films we like; we discuss film and the business so much that it would be good to take the time to see a film we like with people we like and afterwards discuss over dinner the film, and life, and all things that make it swell.

We live in a kind of paradise, surrounded by wonderful people, privileged and blessed with things and skills and gifts that 95% of the world envies – so why not show our gratitude and spread a little of the love around before our bus arrives?

Just sayin’.

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

TRADERS’ MARKET MORNING

2009-05-21T03:44:00.000-07:00

This is an other golden oldie. I think sometimes of turning this one into a short film, and I have even timed it for a voice-over. But I draw back, because I'd have to build the set, and it will never look like what it looked like then... and who's got the money to reconstruct that old Marketplace?

* * *

Bismillah, I have finished scrubbing the black-bottomed pots and the exotic cutlery in the tiny back kitchen at the Inn of the Mullah Nasrudin’s Donkey. The Inn, spread beneath the gaily-colored canopies on a wide bed of straw, sleepily rests (like the donkey it is named after) at the top of Traders’ Market, where merchants, travelers, gypsies, laborers, dancing girls, peasants and the occasional seafarer come to find shelter or comradeship or romance or excitement. Here, with the fragrant aura of spices and Turkish coffee floating on the breeze, they noisily suck through their teeth the boiling chai or strong black Eastern coffee.

Under the festive banners waving slowly in winds which shake out a fine coat of dust, the sprawl of shanties and tents which border the marketplace is nestled in a serene valley, not far from the highway that leads to the great city. The little valley is watched over by lazily-circling hawks or raucous crows in the daytime and, in the nighttime chill, by the silently swooping owls.

Now, under heaped-up tumbles of clouds, the rolling hills languidly bathe in the sun’s clear light. I can see blue jays slip between the swaying bright mustard stems, stems which seem just barely strong enough to hold the fragile weight of the jays. The low hillocks around are like seas of tall grass, deep greens fading to the tan of dried straw, undulating currents and waves in the breezes.

And in the deserted little tent-town, the hard clay roads around Traders’ Market will grow even more silent in the glowing mantle of twilight. Those of us who stay here between the crowded and noisy market-days, who labor building or repairing, or who feed those who labor or make wares to sell – those of us for whom this Valley of the Owl is now home, even for a little while – we will gather under the wide canopy of the Inn of the Mullah Nasrudin’s Donkey for our evening meal and we shall talk or play music and warm ourselves with the Mullah’s hot drinks.

But that will be much later, and just now, the kitchen having been patiently cleaned and my morning soup finished, I have put on my mirrored skullcap and my wide chain bracelets and I have come to sit in the long back camp off the Inn. The back camp is a wide oval yard surrounded by tented beds under another bright canopy, littered at one end with the tools and brooms and buckets that are used in the Inn. The rest of the yard is more domestic, strewn with the makings of extended camp: bags overflowing with clothing, laundry strung on ropes, the cases of musical instruments stacked haphazardly against a wall, the belongings of the servers and workers at the Inn.

Out across the fields of high grass that drape the low curve of the swelling hills – not so far, though, as the line of dark oaks which seem to stand with unmoving branches even in the strongly gusting wind – a stout young man is working, digging a post-hole for another tent pole, his broad back shiny with sweat, his movements slow and deliberate in the gathering heat. Around me are the sounds of the coffee-house: the slow whisper of the broom as the sweeper makes his way through the empty kitchen, the gentle scrapings of a fiddle being tuned, the ratcheting sound of the cards as the players gossip among themselves, the counterpoints of several hammers striking the notes of different nails.

I am at home here – oddly at home in this travelers’ camp, in the very timelessness of this stopping-off place, this passing-through place, this temporary home of ever-returning happinesses. It is among the changing faces of this host of travelers that I have found a comfort. From wherever it is that they come, on the way to wherever it is that they are going, in the shade of the Inn their paths meet.

To the crossroads of Traders’ Market they come, with smiles or with tears, wise or brash or cautious or cunning, to buy and sell, to trade and argue, to learn and teach, to touch and share and fight and love, each with the other: the merchants in long coats and colored jackets and foreign-looking hats, dancing girls caressed by their veils and bangles and bells, laborers in rough shirts or shirtless with neck-scarves pulled over faces against the dust, the laughing dark-eyed belly dancer with the lotus tattoo on her face, the freebooter who has found his sea-wit more profitable upon the land, jugglers and jokesters who entertain travelers for a few coins, serving-girls looking chastely proper or adventurous and sultry, the artists and musicians who paint or play in the background, adding the gentle spices of their several Muses to our lives.

And late at night the gambling men drink strong spirits with their devil-black coffee, or strong spirits from hand-to-handed bottles between laughs and lies and odd bits of their stories tossed out like stray bets in their games. And in the slow morning, the servers step to the rhythm of the Mullah’s snores… ah, the Mullah – always the Mullah, grand and watchful, a great slow presence amid the busy activity of the coffeehouse.

From my spot in the back-camp, I hear among these sounds the marketplace picking up its pace, seeming to stretch and yawn in the sun as if in preparation for a busy afternoon. I realise that the quiet time will soon end. For in a few days it will be Market Day, and the crowds will come – like faraway thunder approaching, like the horizon’s gathering dustcloud moving ever closer, inevitable, inescapable.

The crowds – foreigners in their own land, it seems, restless and impatient and rude – are foreign to themselves and are foreign to us, who were born side by their sides, who live and love at the shore of their busy world, who speak the same language differently and seek other goals and see other dreams under the same velvet sky of night. And when they come, those crowds – trying to touch another life though their arms are too short and their hearts too hollow, to touch a bit of the life that flows through our eyes and through the tongues of our hearts, through our bonds and friendships – when they come, then shall we don our festal masks and sing them the smells of the gypsy fires, the eerie color of the rose-lipped dawn in the high mountain passes, the lover’s caress of gentle waves in far-off silksanded bays.

And one or two will come out of the crowd, will be able to hear our hearts’ songs and know something of our thoughts – and some of us will talk with them and smile openly and friendships will be born. And around that little scene of happiness in the crowded and noisy Traders’ Market, others of us will sell our wares and sing our songs and pocket the coins of our labors.

After the revel is ended, when the drinking and dancing and buying and trading is done, then back to the near-empty marketplace shall we meet again – here, it will be here in this quiet Traders’ Market that we shall gather. And in the long hot afternoons, under the breeze-kissed canopies, those of us who live here will share our coffee or chai and gossip and tell of what has passed on Market Day. And once again, beneath the gliding hawks, the sounds of quiet labor will echo in the Valley of the Owl.

Yes, today is quiet, the thunder and dust of the crowd is far away and my prayers are all said, and the long-handled coffee urns and the bright slick knives have all been cleaned with care, ma’ashallah.

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

The Strength of a Man

2009-05-21T03:18:00.000-07:00

So this essay is one that I want to make into a film - preferably a documentary with dramatic overtones. I have no idea how to turn this completely internalised event into an externalised and even-remotely-artistic event, but I am working on it... sort of Chien Andalou crossed with My Dinner With Andre, perhaps. Ok, that was a joke, but this blog ain't.

* * *

On a day like any other – it could have been any day – a minor complaint prompts a question. An inquiry. An examination. . . and suddenly nothing is the same. The things which were big things become small, and all that had been small things disappear. You feel the curtain falling, you see clearly the weakness of living, in an instant you recognise the fragile skin of life. Closing, the eyes truly open – and the turning world continues.

Life holds a moment when the silence drowns out everyday sounds and a man’s fears are suddenly terrifying. For me, that moment came in a small examination room, while a white-coated doctor described a Texas-sized tumor inside my chest.

With the sweat came the realisation that it’s in there, and you can’t get it out. But now the man’s talking numbers: survival rates, percentages, things only measured long after the deal is done, when you’re either laughing in Aruba or rotting in Pleasant Acres.

The patient faces the doctor – recently met, now with the egregious duty of informing this stranger that his life may be over – and stutters out a request to repeat the words. The wife cries quietly, seeing the future more clearly than her husband. Soon, with any luck, this man will know all about patient, as doctors prod and lead and jerk him around in a display of human frailty that is remarkably life-like. But now he’s too stunned to notice her silent tears, and she is too consumed with a single idea: he must somehow survive.

* * *

My mental list of what it takes to be a man: A man doesn’t cry, is always prepared, doesn’t complain and bears his pain quietly. A man protects himself and those around him. He won’t exploit, depend, or take his friends for granted. I’d taken at least one side and had held it all my life. I owned and would not lose the strength of conviction; I was strong and could fight if I had to. And it became clear that I had to fight – fight the cancer, fight to stay alive. Of course, I was to also learn some distinctly different lessons in the months to come.

* * *

A delightful irony: at forty-five, I was stricken by a young-people’s disease. Most Hodgkin’s patients are 18 to 24. And Hodgkin’s is neat, clean and imminently curable – I was puzzled when they called it the ‘good’ cancer.

The tumor was pressing on both my heart and my lungs, causing me to have poor circulation and extreme shortness of breath. Again, the ironies: as an educated man, I could not help but recognise that the tumor struck at the center of our collective notion of courage (from the Latin for ‘heart’). Moreover, the tumor attacked my lungs, where I breathe (spirit comes from the Latin for ‘breath’). How often in life do we hear these words matched up with our notion of manhood: “That fighter’s got a lot of heart;” “He has the spirit to win this one.” With these two areas so compromised, how was I to defend myself against this threat to my life?

And the effects of cancer weren’t merely philosophical. I was physically weak, I couldn’t work for more than a few minutes at a time, and could not sleep. I had lost twenty pounds to land at a feeble 160 and was tired all the time. The tumor was consuming almost everything I ate, leaving the rest of my body to starve. My life had turned around, and I wasn’t liking the direction it took.

My wife drove me to the infusion center for chemotherapy every two weeks, because the treatment wiped me out too much to walk, much less to drive. Working from graphs which told the maximum I could take without dying, brisk professionals put poisons into my veins as I watched – and waited – for the effects. At the infusion center, they gave me palliative drugs for nausea and other side effects, but I hated taking them. I quickly reduced my intake of these additives to a minimum, resigned to pull in my ears and bear the physical discomfort.

We attended, respectively, a “survivors’ group” and a “caretakers’ group” - learning new things about chronic and catastrophic disease in America today... and about the politics of disease.

* * *

It’s a hard thing to wake each day into the sickness again, without relief, to see yourself in the mirror more debilitated and feeble each time – the constant reminder of failing health, to know that you are not what you were, that in fact you are so much less than you were, that you are constricting, shrinking each day in your movement, in your strength, in your already-severely-limited abilities. And added to that are the difficulties of relentless treatment. If the sickness is pernicious, the treatment itself is vicious.

You must make all those minor and major adjustments, you must acquiesce and compromise, you must accept that your life probably will never be as it was. You can accept it with grace or you can fight it. But this is the real deal, pal: you can’t stay the same.

And of course, that’s what life is all about, at the end of the day. Forget the illusion of a continuing arc of achievement until we die in the lap of luxury. For most of us, that will never happen – our present success won’t help at the end. The smaller office, the less-luxury car, downsizing, painful joints, the ex-wife, the hated retirement, estranged kids, move to a furnished room, calendar filled with medical appointments, assisted living, the catheter or colostomy: a series of minor adjustments, compromises, large and small acquiescences, rationalizations. We can only hope that we won’t find ourselves on the downward slope of the hill without ever having enjoyed the summit. We will age until we become too weak to feed and care for ourselves, and we’ll hang on until one day we just . . . die.

* * *

As I watched people disappear from my survivors’ group, I began to feel like Barabbas, delivered from mine enemies – but at what cost? Some other cancer patient filled the statistical spot that might have been meant for me under the title: “Annual Deaths from Cancer.” The analogy of Barabbas haunted me – the thief chosen by his people to be free, the committor of seemingly ‘small’ crimes, yet whose sins are greater than those of he whom was punished. The shrink at the infusion center had asked me whether I thought that cancer was a punishment (it turned out that, given the Judeo-Christian ethic, many people do). I looked at him as though he had asked me whether winning at the track were the Reward to the Faithful, and said, “Of course not – it’s just the luck of the draw.”

But my insomniac mind spun with these ideas, having little else to think about but my failing health and my business, which had faltered as a result of my absences. There was no religious significance attached to the idea of Barabbas and redemption, hardly any moral to be learned and little philosophy – only the irony of one man’s trial being greater than another’s, and that being the guy with the light end of the load seemed sometimes hard to take.

Of course, the light end of this particular load was still heavy indeed. I would live on, bearing the complications and having opportunities to change aspects of my life, trying to become happy at last. Is that how Barabbas reacted? Did he walk down that long hill in the light rain amid sunny patches, renouncing his thieving ways and resolving to live a truly happy life for a change, after a long-deserved vacation over in Hebron?

* * *

Interesting phenomena began to occur when the chemo really started to stack up in my body. The nature of most chemotherapies is that they are progressive and cumulative – the further down the line you go with them, the more they remain in your body and therefore the more they’ll affect you. I was getting my ass kicked with some true sincerity from the third through the eighth day – five or six full days of rat poison flowing through my system, twisting every human response into something quite unpleasant and scary, most accurately described as having a corpse shoved into your skin along with you.

I watched the slow progression, as the man who lived in the mirror lost his thick head of hair, then his beard. And then one day his mustache fell off. His features became harder and more severe, and I was reminded of a description of an old cavalry officer by George MacDonald Fraser: “He was a tough old file with a flinty gaze.” And that was who looked back at me from the mirror – a tough old file, one I couldn’t recognise.

So here I was, in the middle of my fifth cycle (having received chemo nine times) and the effects were just pounding me into the ground. I’m told that it’s something like a woman’s period . . . and so much more. I don't know if the effect can be blamed on hormones, but the wash of emotions I experienced was frankly stunning. Profound feelings of hopelessness, despair, fear, weakness, dependence, cowardice – all the things which my life had supposedly girded me against – would overwhelm me at odd moments and set me spinning to a snappy little dance number played by Death’s soloist himself.

There were times that I could hear my Uncle Ironhand’s voice floating through the long tunnel from my childhood, repeating a joke he liked: “I tell you: first I was afraid I would die. Then I was afraid I wouldn’t!” I’d find myself longing for death as a way out of the pain, then I’d chide myself for such silly thoughts. There was logic lost there – I was, after all, undergoing this pain to avoid death. But the mind does funny things. On certain days, in certain hours, it all just seemed too big to cope with. I was reduced to the outlook of a little boy – a scared and vulnerable little boy, stripped of the years of training in becoming a man, in hardening himself to the difficulties of life. I was a little boy who felt no shame in crying.

And in those moments, somehow, I learned what strength is – not what we believe it to be, or what big-screen heroes show us, nor what we want it to be or need it to be – what it actually is. Strength is forever allied with faith: the faith that we can get through, if we can just hang on. The child can believe, and persevere, perhaps because he has not had all that training in becoming a man.

And then the realizations start to come. A clarity takes over which peels away all the happy horseshit and the clichéd beliefs we spoon-feed ourselves every day. A man can look at the bare face of life and learn his lesson, without fanfare – and, if he’s lucky, without regret.

To really accept being the essence of a man relates back to several archetypes, one of them the failing father, the man looked down upon by the son for not being as good as the son has become. But how could he be? How could the father – over and over throughout time – consistently be better than the son? First, nobody would like the effects of that. Objections would be raised. And more important, it defies evolution. Each generation must improve, if a species is to survive. Sons must become more – and better – than fathers.

And we can’t forget the partner and the mentor, both archetypes with very necessary social functions. There is more to mating than the act of procreation. The joining of two lives involves a variety of small relationships stacked into a larger, more penetrant and encompassing relationship with the same person – the partner. And the mentor is a friend and teacher, one who guides the younger person into and through the confusing labyrinth of social and natural relationships. These facets of adulthood – and, by extension, of manhood – are secondary to the relationship with self, but they are crucial for an individual’s healthy functioning.

There is also the laudable trait of just being there, a solid post in the community to lend a hand when needed, or perhaps to merely be a witness – the good neighbor, another often-overlooked archetype.

The truth is that we don’t need as many heroes as we need men to admire them. And why do we admire heroes? Because we’re ordinary. As special as each of us might be, compared to heroes we are only ordinary. So be it. The descent into ordinariness is another facet of strength.

Yes, we admire heroes because we’re ordinary. The true strength is this: We go through our lives, learning our lessons and taking our knocks, often never realising that this is all there is. No redemption, no third act, no flashing moment of enlightenment: just more of the same. Just our own ordinariness, the diminishing strength, our incipient weakness, until we fade or fall away.

And that’s being a man. That’s where a man’s true strength – his real beauty – is found: To keep pushing forward, knowing that there are no more big kills, no awards or golden moments, no endless summers. To accept that, and to stay focused on just reaching the goal when all the glory is behind you, to keep showing up, suited up, long after you haven’t got a double-play left in you – that’s the strength of a man.

Nothing flies for long without coming to ground, and to glide gently in with grace and élan makes a much better story than to crash and burn, a million biker tattoos notwithstanding.

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Crazy Plots to Save the World

2009-03-28T19:12:00.000-07:00

Many forward thinkers have agreed that the challenges of the next half-century will be great ones, and they will likely center on a couple of critical areas. Of course, food is always an issue for the greater fraction of people on the planet, but clean unpolluted water is about to become a very problematic – and expensive – issue as well. A third area about which I have heard little from the scientific community is ‘staying warm’ – and since one of the basic necessities of life is ‘staying warm and dry,’ I am concerned that not enough brain-power is being put into keeping people warm without further warming the planet.

Long ago, I wanted to get people interested in bringing troubling societal issues to the members of Mensa, the high-IQ society. I thought – and still think – that those eggheads could help us find elegant solutions to some of our toughest problems. I mean, they have all that knowledge, right? Problem was, the men and women of Mensa didn’t seem to want to tackle hard problems like feeding the hungry, housing the homeless, or saving the planet. Like tired and lonely people everywhere, they were more interested in connecting with other smart people socially, as in dating or in special interest groups (which they called SIGs).

So I wandered away from Mensa, leaving them to their puzzlers and parties. But I still think about trying to save the planet, save our culture, save our way of life, save the lives of those unfortunate enough to need our help. To do any of those things, we need some innovative thinking – we need to approach the same old problem in a brand-new way. And a collection of brilliant minds is a crucial prerequisite to removing the obstacles to the creative development of innovative thinking. And, of course, I can’t do it all alone. So I turn to you, the filmmakers on the cutting edge, to be part of that collection of minds – since filmmakers always have been (and continue to be) innovators, inventors, and visionaries.

And maybe just focusing a camera on a problem is a good start at getting people to think about that problem. We can't fix what we haven’t identified, and we can’t identify what we don’t know about. So for some of us, at least, there is just the work of pointing the issues out to others, so that they can learn about those situations that can harm us or those like us. Also, people want to know that there is hope, and documentaries serve that function, among many others.

Docs can inform, educate, and persuade. They can mean the difference between a deep understanding and the indifference of ignorance. Perhaps most important, documentaries can inspire. So here are some thoughts for documentaries, in case any of you filmmaking geniuses have run out of challenging and engaging ideas:

1. Innovative thinking about Energy Conservation: Why do we have every one of those city lights on all night long? Civic lighting expends more than half of the energy used in the US, and we could get buy with a lot fewer lights. I’m not talking about making the streets dark and unsafe, but we could install switches on about half the lights in any string, and alternate them all night long – or at least in the wee hours of the morning when most people are in bed.

2. Innovative thinking about Intended-waste Products: Why do we have bright white paper napkins, cups, bowls, and plates? The bleaching of paper accounts for a huge percentage of toxic waste going into rivers and our oceans, and we really don’t need bright white items that we are going to use once and then throw away. What are the biases against grey or tan disposable napery and plates? And those awful disposable diapers (though the rumor is that disposables are actually more planet-friendly than washing cloth diapers) – why are they white? For that matter, why is toilet paper white?

3. Innovative thinking about the Ramifications of Oil Drilling: How about getting groups of university students in different disciplines to deal with the deleterious effects of oil drilling – both to the land and to the very fragile ecosystems of the oceans. Big Oil drills for oil in the middle of farmland, if that’s where the oil is – and oil drilling is a dirty business. They (and we) hardly consider the effect of the runoff into the water table and into the soil in which farmers grow our food. How is all that oil affecting our health? And how can it be stopped? And while we’re talking oil fields, how can we stop those flares of flame that burn continually in the fields? It’s called the burn-off

4. Innovative thinking about Staying Warm and Dry: It seems that everyone is talking about global warming, but a much greater problem is how to keep people warm – heating is probably the major issue confronting us in the 21st Century. This is perhaps the most profound need of the entire human race, no matter where they live (even hot climates get cold sometimes). The whole of history has included the continual attempt to mitigate weather, creating warm and dry conditions in which to thrive. For atmospheric reasons, several long-time answers must now be discarded: wood fires, coal, and oil. Natural gas is much cleaner, but it will last only so long. Going underground, though costly and unattractive to most folks, that may be the answer – issues to be addressed include heating, leakage of surface water, disposal of waste, recycling air and gas byproducts, lack of windows and light, mass-transit elevators and logistics of moving people to the surface and back.

5. More innovative thinking about Staying Warm: Deep-strata mines may provide a solution, since the earth’s crust gets hotter by one degree for every thousand feet that you descend – by opening up large enough vents, we may be able to use the earth’s heat to replace much of the surface burning that we are doing.

6. Innovative thinking about Water and Water Rights: Water shortages and pollution will be major themes in the coming decades. Who is working on the potential of using seawater for most uses? And are there projects for reclaiming seawater (desalinization)? What new products are on the horizon to shift consumer water usage? And who owns the water anyway? That’s a question to which most of us won’t like the answer.

So there you have it – some ideas about coming up with ideas. A list of things that need addressing, and perhaps we can point a camera at them and thus put them in front of an audience or two. If you can do something with these ideas (and have the wit and strength to chase them with camera), you have my blessings.

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Using Knowledge & Compelling Images to Create the Narrative

2009-03-28T19:04:00.000-07:00

One of the problems with human perception is that it is tied to our already-existing store of knowledge. So if a person says, for instance, ‘big man,’ one might picture a man of one’s own race or ethnicity – when in fact the truth might be just the opposite. And this characteristic of perception becomes more pronounced in dealing with qualitative descriptors rather than quantitative ones – intangibles, concepts and ideas. What is ‘good,’ or ‘competent,’ or ‘intelligent’?

This is what makes film (and especially the documentary or historical re-creation forms so compelling and valuable) – you can show an image, establishing quite quickly (and definitely) the physical qualities of the person or situation at hand. Of course, in documentary, persons can dissemble (or just get it wrong), making the task more difficult, but the filmmaker still has more impact on the audience’s view of things than one does when writing a book. (And this aspect of filmmaking is what keeps writers writing – most would rather have the ability to use and exploit their readers’ imaginations than to delineate clearly who is doing what.)

So in more ways than one, a picture is worth a thousand words – and often many more than that. One example of this situation might be taken from the study of history. When the average person hears about ‘the Crusades,’ for example, he or she might think of a single picture – Richard Lionheart leading a host into battle against ‘the infidel.’ But that is an image that’s been built on many misconceptions, not the least is that the Crusades were holy wars waged by clean and honorable men against a backward and uncivilised race of heathens.

In truth, both sides saw the other as ‘infidels,’ and both sides saw themselves as the righteous upholders of ‘God’s Way’ (sound familiar?). To understand the breadth and depth of this misunderstanding, one must know about what was going on in the world at that time. The sciences as we know them had not yet been invented: medicine was in a sorry state, and hygiene was worse. People did not much understand the relationship between cleanliness and good health, and lives were on average much shorter and lived with much less robust health. ‘Muslim’ scientists were faring a bit better than Europeans, having come up with mapmaking, algebra, astrology, medical treatments, and other important fields – but many of these sciences were still in their infancies – and without the tradition of rich communication between scholars, advances were understandably slow in coming.

In addition, politics as we know it did not exist – money was relatively new to most people, and the internal politics of Europe had shrunk to what most people call ‘the feudal system’ without much understanding of what that might entail. Governments and towns had shrunk to vast landed estates in the hands of the ‘wealthy’ – lands which were the only places that people could survive. There was no industry as we think of it, since the economics of the times – barons and dukes used what riches there were (often not in the form of ‘money’ but in much more valuable commodities) to wage wars or to protect their estates, keeping the common people tied to what were in effect ‘plantations’ where almost all the necessities of life were grown or made by local labor. Trade was rare, and was used mostly for things that could not be made or grown locally.

The lords of this system were not the clean, well-scrubbed pictures of health that we see in most films. The warriors of that time had more in common with the Vikings than with the cavaliers of later times – in fact, many of them were only a step or two removed from Vikings themselves. Picture a system of government (actually a series of tenuous truces and wartime alliances-of-convenience, paid for by tribute taken at sword-point) run by uncouth and dangerous bikers – for that is the closest we can come to drawing a fair image of who the barons and dukes were. While earlier kings were ‘men of the strong arm’ – men who could best others in battle, who were accustomed to taking what they wanted and washing away the pain with wine or other euphorics – the barons and dukes ran things under the eye of kings who were often men less able in battle. None of these were the leaders that Washington and Jefferson later sought to become – the warriors of old were men who killed without much feeling and took the women left behind without much grace. They were the Hell’s Angels of their day, except that they led armies and adopted the pretense of being descended from (or granted immunity by) God.

Europe was filled with these petty barons and dukes – a nasty lot almost every single one of them, each fighting for a share of the spoils and each defending his own ground against neighbors who would take it from him by force (and ‘by force’ generally meant the most indelicate of violence). Of course, there were some among them who aspired to higher morals and ethics; but many, as well as being paid killers in wartime, were murderers in peacetime – if a noble wanted something, he might simply kill the owner in order to get it. And often, what was wanted by the ruling class was in the hands of the church.

The first Crusade (1095 CE) became a way that the weaker kings and the Church (long a victim of the warring nobles) could rid Europe of these gangs of marauders. The bishops sent word around that any person who went to kill infidels in the Holy Land (to take back the sacred ground upon which the Savior had walked) would be granted a place in heaven, no matter what crimes had been committed before. And a madness swept through Europe that is difficult to imagine but easy to understand: the serfs had little happiness on earth (so the everlasting reward of heaven looked pretty good), and the barons and dukes were greedy for spoils, as well as having a fair interest in expiating their numerous beastly sins.

And off these eager ‘penitents’ went, to kill an enemy they did not know and could not understand, because education had been closely guarded for centuries – kept within a relatively small group of ‘chosen elite’ (chronicles of travelers of the time were rare and expensive, and most learning came by word of mouth, relating mostly to the daily needs of life: farming, tanning, food preservation, carpentry, metal-working, weaving, and the knowledge of other skills based on what was needed to survive). Most of them had never seen a ‘Saracen’ or a ‘Turk,’ a ‘Paynim’or a ‘Persian.’ A ‘heathen’ is defined as one who does not believe in God, but the Muslims had a strong belief in God – and, in fact, in the same God that demanded sacrifice of Abraham: the Jewish line came from Abraham’s son Isaac and the Muslim line came from Isaac’s brother Ishmael. So ‘heathens’ these people were clearly not.

Most had no idea what lay ahead of them during the first Crusade, but they tramped through Italy and Hungary to get to the Holy Land. In Hungary they fared worst, their huge hordes (hundreds of thousands of starving and ragged souls) were cut down by local residents weary of their depredations. Tens of thousands were killed or died along the way, before even getting out of Europe. Many more were lost at sea, and the ones who did arrive in the Holy Land saw many of their number cut down by prime fighting forces of Kerbogha of Mosul and other skilled warrior-chieftains. All in all, a violent and unpleasant business, as wars always are.

So that’s the layout of our story, thus far – and how can the narrative deal with the deviation from actual fact, a deviation that ‘history’ has persuaded us to accept as truth? First, consider that ‘narrative’ is either causal or cumulative – that is, it is either an argument laid out in a series of incidents or events that each create or cause the next, or it is a collection of (possibly) unrelated facts or events that is presented that add up to a conclusion. So, by carefully studying the time period and the manners and culture operating at that time, the filmmaker is presumed to be able to bring an immediate and pervasive sense of factuality to the proceedings, taking care to consider language and social protocols when deciding what to show and what not to show. And by explaining (either through exposition or carefully-wrought action) the background explicitly, the filmmaker can build an almost-instinctual knowledge into the audience, so that when one sees a specific action or object, one knows (more or less) precisely what it means.

This is the job of the filmmaker, to vivify a story – to enliven ‘mere words’ with pictures and to bring a deeper truth to the audience. And by educating oneself completely in the ways and manners of the persons who will people the story and drive the action (whether fictional narrative or documentary review of facts), the filmmaker can hope to have an audience that possesses enough of the idea of things to understand the new data that the filmmaker hopes to elucidate.

As filmmakers, we are not the warrior barons and dukes, forcing ourselves and our ideas on an unwilling enemy (though to hear the use of music in some films, one would definitely think otherwise), nor are we at our best when following the ways of others in unfamiliar territory. And we are not the single-minded ideologues who would have the whole world believe as we do, nor are we ignorant of the world around us.

No, we strive to learn more about that world, in order to better tell our stories, and – at our best – we are persons of vision, persons who have a definite idea how to make the world a better place, persons who have the strength of conviction and a taste for repeated stumbled, but who will always get up and go for another shot. And we are able to convince – by our vision, but also by our powers of persuasion (storytelling) – a crowd of very talented people to come along with us in the making of something special, something unique, something perhaps historic.

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

More Tears for the Onion

2009-03-28T18:56:00.000-07:00

We still hope that the normally intelligent Onion staff will see the error of their collective ways in letting such a rich and varied talent as Mr Roland slip from their grasp (see previous Onion blog). To advance that possibility, here is the second story that the estimable Onion missed out on.

Pakistani Bandits Complain Over Newsman's Slight

Several groups of Pakistani bandits are considering a class-action lawsuit for slander against an NPR reporter and the international radio corporation itself. The bandits, part of the loose alliance of Northern Province drug and crime rings that sprawl across the Afghanistan/Pakistan border, are upset that they have been mischaracterised on international radio as ‘plain’ and ‘old.’

“We have reputations. This very serious charge. Thanks god that we are informed of this damaging lie against us,” said Werda Faqqawi, leader of one of the bands. “We are not old, and we are not plain. We are handsome men, most of us, and the rest have good personalities. If I ever see this lying dog, I myself will pull out his eyes, then leave him to the women of my village for the real punishment.”

The ‘lying dog’ – Aaron Schachter, a reporter for Public Radio International’s ‘The World’ – covers the local scene in the Pakistani capital of Islamabad. He made his social gaffe when speaking about the worsening situation in Pakistan last week: “Peshawar hasn’t always been as dangerous as it has become in the last few months. It’s right at the edge of the tribal areas, it’s a very very rough part of this country. Lots of groups fighting it out in this region, not just the Taliban, there are al Qaeda foreign fighters, and there are just plain old bandits that work in the region with drugs, with weapons...”

“We aren’t plain and we aren’t old,” continued Faqqawi. “Who is Aaron Schacter anyway? Is he fashion maven? Our clothes are not old – they came to us with the Thuggees more than three hundred years ago, perhaps the newest part of our culture. Your spawn of Satan George Bush never made best-dressed list either, remember.”

“And we aren’t plain,” said local village khan Tared al Sohangree. “My son Rhandivapan is a very handsome man, at height of his youthful prowess – he is 45 years in this world, he has strong teeth, and he is sought by many many young women.” According to local village sources, the fact that none of the family knows what the women look like – they all wear burqas – is creating some hesitation in Rhandivapan’s mind; the khan’s rugged son, who has most of his teeth, will make a choice of a wife sometime in the near future.

Rhandivapan, called ‘Randy’ by his friends, said, “My father is 75 years and strong man, very tough. He can still – as you degenerate Americans like to say – ‘kick some donkey.’ I don’t know whose donkey, but some donkey. He beat me up pretty bad just last week.”

David Roland is a humorist who likes to make people wince as they are laughing - a rare trick. He is Hakim's close friend, and people who see them together should think carefully about the negative ramifications of calling them 'the two Daves.'

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Roland and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Uncomfortable Documentaries & Narrative

2009-03-28T18:51:00.000-07:00

“But in these plethoric times – when there is too much coarse ‘stuff’ for everybody and the struggle for life takes the form of competitive advertisement and the effort to fill your neighbor's eye, when there is no urgent demand either for personal courage, sound nerves or stark beauty – we find ourselves by accident.
“Always before these times, the bulk of the people did not overeat themselves because they couldn't, whether they wanted to or not, and all but a very few were kept ‘fit’ by unavoidable exercise and personal danger.
“Now, if only he pitch his standard low enough and keep himself free from pride, almost anyone can achieve a sort of excess. You can go through contemporary life fudging and evading, indulging and slacking, never really hungry nor frightened nor passionately stirred, your highest moment a mere sentimental orgasm, and your first real contact with primary and elemental necessities the sweat of your deathbed.” – H G Wells

~ ~ ~
One of the uncomfortable things about documentaries (and perhaps one major reason that certain docs are not popular) is that they present us with challenges – moral and ethical challenges, challenges to what we have ‘learned’ and to our thinking.

It is easy for the uninformed to come to an opinion – all one must do is to look at a situation and decide that it is right or wrong, entirely based on one’s preconceived notions.

But a thoughtful and well-researched documentary on a tough subject removes our ability to evade and fudge. Seeing the evidence of our thoughtless collective actions (global warming, over-consumption, wasteful uses of natural resources) puts the viewer in an uncomfortable spot, and it is a discomfort that the doc usually can’t hope to alleviate.

This is one excellent reason to include such challenging examinations into our narratives. The inclusion can be very subtle, such as one used in The Brave One, directed by Neil Jordan. The film’s protagonist (played by Jody Foster) was originally a police-beat reporter. But Foster, a self-admitted ‘NPR fanatic,’ thought that making the protagonist an NPR personality who studied New York City through its sounds.

This change served, as it turns out, a number of purposes. First, it made the protagonist much more internal and isolated from connection with people, while at the same time giving her a unique view of the world around her. Second, it solved a script problem that possibly had not come up until the change – any crime-beat reporter would have had much more knowledge of police procedure than Foster’s character had, so her naiveté would make much more sense if she had another, less-informed career. And third, NPR got some minor billing, which means that perhaps some of the audience dialed in for the first time and found something that cannot be found on standard radio.

The Brave One, while not a masterpiece, is still a solid piece of filmmaking, as might be expected from Mr Jordan. And while that single alteration in the story and script did not change the theme of the film, it did create profound changes in the film’s plot, sound design, production design, sets, and characterization.

In the case of those tough documentary subjects mentioned at the top of this piece, the narrative may come to a slightly different turn, but one no less personal in its application. Any of the tough subjects can be placed a bit in the background (what we call in journalism ‘burying the lead’) by starting the story with the person or persons most affected by the event or situation –say, the Hindi farmer facing starvation because of major climate shifts, or the havoc wreaked for local residents by land abuses such as strip-mining or deforestation. Alternately, the narrative of a documentary about over-consumption could start with the ‘birth’ of a consumer product that then goes through its ‘life’ until it is finally ‘laid to rest’ in a landfill. These techniques can potentially humanize the themes of a project, making it more accessible to more segments of the audience.

So while we are focused on the narrative during this time of our Caligari Narrative Contest, it would be good to review such alterations in narrative that can enliven or otherwise enhance a story. ‘Narrative,’ derived from the Latin verb narrare (‘to recount’), is related to the adjective gnarus (‘knowing’ or ‘skilled’), becoming by connotation ‘a skilled recounting’ of events. And because stories are a profoundly important aspect of culture, making up the basis of a society’s literature and philosophy, it is only through ‘skillful recounting’ that a work of art becomes possible.

So if we aim for art in our work, we should always be concerned with the narrative, even in the stories told in single-frame pieces such as photographs and paintings. And, of course, in our films – including documentaries and even 30-second commercials or PSAs – the narrative becomes the dividing line between mediocrity and art.

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

The Onion Brings Tears to Writer’s Eyes

2009-03-28T18:44:00.000-07:00

One of our writers, David Roland, has been trying to get work at The Onion, that meta-paper that entertains us all so much with fictive news. Roland has been unsuccessful – so far – because of an incomprehensible policy held by the normally sagacious editorial staff over at that paper: they only use staff writers, and they do not contract any work, whatsoever.

When we heard Mr Roland's complaint, we came up with a way to help the guy out. We’re publishing the pieces that The Onion ignored, and (we hope) they'll see the error of their collective ways in letting such a rich and varied talent as Mr Roland slip from their grasp. Perhaps those wily New York editors, who are so much smarter than we are, will see the humor pervading everything young Roland writes, and – with a bit of encouragement from our readers – they will consider hiring him to do the odd piece of faux reportage, getting Mr Roland out of our hair (and into theirs).

Below is the first story that the estimable Onion missed out on.

Harding Kin Sues Obama over Right to Use ‘First Black President’

“One of my great-grandfather’s grandparents was black, which means that he was the first black president – a full 43 years before Obama was even born,” said a determined Gamiel ‘Cubby’ Harding. Cubby Harding, a plumber in Akron Ohio, begins to sound more black as he continues. “Man, all my dad’s life, he was ashamed of his grandfather – he had no idea how popular Obama would become. I think it’s just unfair for that Democrat to make such claims, when a good Republican was there first.”

The twenty-ninth US President, Warren Gamaliel Harding (born 1865) served from 1921 until 1923, when he died from a heart attack at age 57. Harding won by the largest presidential popular vote landslide in American history – 60% to 34%.

Harding called for the abolition of lynching – not surprising, since this would protect his kinfolk in Ohio and elsewhere – but he never pursued the policy with any strength, probably out of fear of them finding a tall enough tree on the White House grounds. He was the first president to have questions from reporters pooled before press conferences, ostensibly for purposes of efficiency, but actually in order control questions about his grandparents, at least one of whom was a black slave from the West Indies. In spite of a massive campaign by William Randolph Hearst to hide this fact, the rumors became an open secret is Washington.

Now, ironically, the intervening 90 years – along with the success of the Civil Rights Movement and a feeling in the country that lynchings are déclassé – Harding’s great-great-great-grandson is proud enough of his meager 1/32 (or possibly 1/16) black blood to mount a lawsuit against America’s Great Black Hope (even though Obama is part white). “We [sic] suing that imposter,” says Cubby Harding, “and Ima to use the cake we get from the lawsuit to start me a campaign, so I can run as a black candidate too.”

An influential newspaper publisher and Republican, the elder Harding also served in the Ohio Senate (no doubt the first Black there), as Ohio’s Lieutenant Governor (no doubt the first Black there), and as a US Senator (and no doubt the first Black there as well) before becoming president. A political conservative, Warren G Harding became the compromise choice at the 1920 Republican National Convention. One of his campaign promises was to return the country to ‘normalcy’ after World War I, which no doubt helped him defeat Democrat James M Cox in the 1920 election. As Cubby opines, “A Black Republican – can you beat that?”

David Roland is a humorist who likes to make people wince as they are laughing - a rare trick. He is Hakim's close friend, and people who see them together should think carefully about the negative ramifications of calling them 'the two Daves.'

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Roland and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Of Doctors, Grips & Poets – Making Films to Change the World

2009-03-28T18:23:00.000-07:00

I am getting sick of doctors and their incompetence and narrow-minded views of the world. The problem with more medicos, as I see it, is that they lack imagination. The medical profession should be filled with jazz enthusiasts and artists, with men and women who are not afraid – no, even better, who are enthralled by the ability – to take chances. Society – and each of us – profoundly needs in doctors (and in politicians, lawyers, judges, etc etc) the kind of people who are creative and imaginative problem solvers, and most of the people in the profession are definitely not that.

After my last little excursion to the emergency room, during which I was kept waiting for over six hours with a fish bone lodged in my throat (only to be released without receiving any care whatever), I decided that the right thing to do would be to get a pile of money and start a social experiment.

What would that experiment entail? Well, before I get into that, let me discuss for a few moments the power of the medium we know as ‘film,’ as well as a bit of background from a long time ago.

The power of film is starting to be tapped in some interesting ways, as we find that audiences are more attuned to documentaries than at any time in the history of film – except perhaps at its very beginning, when in fact most early films were ‘documentaries’ of one kind or another.

Panoramas of famous places and strapping cameras to the fronts of Alpine trains (‘phantom rides’) cannot be categorised in any other way but as docs (or more precisely, as ‘actualities’), and it wasn’t until a while later that fictional narrative got off the ground. Other films were ‘vignettes,’ meaning imagined scenes of real or imagined happenings – The Bad Boy and the Gardener (1896), Awakening of Rip (1896), The Arrest of a Bookmaker (1896), Santa Claus (1899) – though at 25 seconds to one minute, they can hardly be considered ‘narratives.’

The first fiction films, like the early actualities and panoramas, were only a minute or so long, and it took time for the audience and the makers to move toward longer films.

So… today we are seeing a renaissance of the non-narrative nonfiction film (and, indeed, of the narrative nonfiction film), and there is a vast power for collective good in that rebirth. But there is also a power in taking an ideal – or theme, or situation, or the potential subject of a doc – and building a story around it. Many true stories, taken from the slowly-turning wheel of human history, reach a mass audience not through documentaries, but through docudramas or even through fictional ‘exploitation’ of their central idea. Silkwood and Erin Brockovich are two films that followed the stories of real women, while Traffic and Blood Diamond are two films that used fictional stories to relate adverse social events and the negative situations surrounding them.

A standard technique of storytelling is to lay out the issues between central characters against the backdrop of profound social changes or historic events. Some call this playing ‘the little story against the larger backdrop’: Homer’s Illiad and Don Quixote, on down to Casablanca – and even Phantom of the Opera opens with a reference to the first sound recordings of the Paris opera being sealed in a vault below the old opera house. One such story of particular interest to filmmakers is Dreamers, in which the central action is set against the protests of the closing of the Cinémathèque Française in February of 1968.

So what does all this have to do with a recalcitrant fishbone? Well, while I was gnawing on my lip in order to keep from turning into a berserker in a wretchedly backwoods hospital (which sported hopelessly outdated equipment and a languidly incompetent staff – a Tijuana dentist has more state-of-the-art equipment than that joint), I conceived of a plan to literally change the face of the medical practice in America today. I figured, Hell, more of us than ever before are needing doctors, so why not start re-indoctrinating them?

So who would the New Doctors be? Well, poets would be a good start, since they have imagination coupled with an intellect that prizes rules and uniformity. And I know that any grip crew worth its salt could create true art out of whatever they could find, if a director up in the hills, away from all resources, wanted to build a certain kind of background for a commercial. Grips have a knowledge of working systems and a can-do attitude that gets things done. There are no doubt others who would be equally able to create change (and equally astonishing to include in the list, but let’s not get too far afield for the first visualisation of the project).

The deal would be this: take a group of six poets and a group of six grips, and send them all to medical school to see what kind of doctors they would make. My take on it is that they would make excellent doctors (unless medical schools could train out of them all their spark, in which case we’d have a crowd of lousy poets and stumbling grips (tragic, but highly unlikely).

Sure, the experiment would be expensive, but it would be worth the cost to prove to the AMA and others that they’re currently testing for the wrong kind of intelligence, and that they should start skewing their classes (not the instructional periods, but the groups of students – ‘class of 2008) toward more imagination, more creativity, and more risk. Look, medicine is of necessity an area of adverse events, so why be risk averse as well?

OK, so I thought up this grand plan – one which would cost a couple million bucks (not counting the time spent finding grips willing to become doctors) and take years of hard effort to mount. Then I got the idea that this could be written into a script (see where I’m going with this now?) and turned into a movie – not even a hit movie, since with NetFlix you can build an audience through word of mouth. And just as movies today often mirror headlines, many real-life situations are mirroring movies. Who knows – we might be able to start a trend, and in ten years we’d see the first IA doctors practicing in ERs… using their specific knowledge to ‘defeat the wind.’

Just sayin’….

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Self-Promotion – The Winning Strategy

2009-03-22T12:54:00.000-07:00

Times have been tough, and they’re getting tougher. Local film has been taking a beating since about 1999 – and that decade-long slump is threatening to continue, thanks to the machinations of Wall Street. Many people in our local film community are wondering where it’s going to end. But industry is still spending money, even if our friends and neighbors aren’t, and that’s where our paychecks come from: industry.

Recently, a small newspaper publisher mentioned to me that he wasn’t getting press releases from our advertisers, so I suggested that he take a whack at some sound advice for all you folks hard-hit by the local economic downturn.

I know it’s tough out there – I’m experiencing it myself. But the truth is that if we wanted security, we’d have gone to work for some big corporation, like Enron or WorldCom.

Ok, that’s a joke, but I’ll give you some serious advice – advice that could bring your bottom line up a bit in the coming months. One thing before we start, though. As my Granddaddy always told me, “Son, to make any money, you got to spend a little money.” So if you’re willing to take some advice and spend a bit of money, you should be able to change the story by using good promotional techniques.

I know, I know, everyone’s wyngeing about the lack of business. I’ve been in business for more years than I care to admit, and here’s what I learned long ago: when everyone else tightens their ad budgets, that’s the time to spend a bit more. Advertising, marketing and public relations are all numbers games. A certain amount of money will bring in a certain number of customers. When things get tough, companies X and Y will cut back – meaning that your ads won’t have to fight for attention in the market. So at that moment, if you push a little harder, you’re bound to catch the customers that your competitors have let slip by cutting their budgets.

I also learned that it’s all about the story. The difference between a good campaign and a lousy campaign is that the good campaign tells a great story – and it usually tells it very well. And that is what brings success: telling the story well. You can do the same, if you follow my advice.

You have something special, something that no one else is offering. Even if there are three other houses in town providing the exact same merchandise or service as yours, you can still offer something unique. Perhaps you’re willing to travel out to the set to make sure that everything runs smoothly, or perhaps you can offer certain discounts that the other houses don’t.

So figure out where you excel and what you offer that’s unique – not just different, but actually unique – then tell that story. And you tell that story by publicizing it… by email, direct mail, word-of-mouth, and by press releases.

Press Releases Get You Published
Have something to say – it’s got to be news. If you don’t have news about your company, then create some: offer a free workshop or seminar, or call for donations for a local charity to be dropped of at your business (and offer to match the donations dollar for dollar).

Keep your press release to one page. Some people send out releases that are three to five pages long – these releases probably never get read (unless they come from the Oscars or from some public official). If the story can’t be told to an editor on one page, it’s too complicated.

Always date your releases. Editors want to know that the story you give them is timely, so put a date on it.

Always include correct contact information. Include the name and phone number of a contact person, making sure it is clearly visible at the top of the release. And choose someone who can speak to the editor and who knows the story – not everyone can speak easily about it to the press.

Send to business publications. If you have an interesting story and an off-beat angle, send your release to local or national business publications. You never know when an editor will pick your story up and assign a writer to cover you. Good ideas: your local Business Times

I recommend having a pro write your releases for you – the difference will be in the acceptance rate. Amateurs tend to be ignored, while pros get published again and again. Find one to help you, and you’ll be glad you did.

Direct Mail Reaches Your Target Audience
Use your resources. You have the Reel Directory – use it! Doug and Lynetta offer very inexpensive lists of their clients, so you can pick up a list of pre-made labels, put them on an announcement postcard, and for a couple of hundred bucks you’ll reach a good-sized segment of the local market.

To reach outside the colleagues you know, you can do a little digging – using the Book of Lists. In the BOL you will find lists of contacts for companies that might need your services. BOL is available from your local Business Times. Some other ways to use Direct Mail are discussed below.

Word-of-Mouth Keeps Your Name Alive
Promote with your steady customers. You can always offer a little something to your regulars – they will like feeling appreciated, and you can get them talking to others about you. Useful office items (that stay visible on desks) are a great way to say ‘thanks.’ There are a number of promotional-product houses here and in Los Angeles, and you can find all kinds of useful and attractive items that will keep your name in play: business-card holders or wallets, letter openers, calendars.

Use unexpected resources. Got a great service? Why not tell some folks who can do you some good? Have you contacted the concierges in town? Let them know that you appreciate their interest – by offering a small commission on any work they send your way. Call them and have a frank discussion, then prepare some special cards and deliver them by hand. You’ll get to meet your newest advertising agent, shake his or her hand, and drop off the cards that could bring you business from the next production that comes to town.

Meet new contacts. There are a number of regular groups that have monthly meetings around the Bay Area. You can find them by asking a publicity professional, and then prepare a short talk to catch the attention of potential new clients. If your service is primarily for the film community, then you will want to meet people in film groups. If your service or product is more for the regular business community, then you have ways to reach out into those groups. Get some advice on how to move out into the target audience you need, and then create a strategy to show them your best side. You might write a short article (only one or two pages) on how best to use the kind of service you offer; or, you might want to give a short speech to the membership on that same topic (or blend this strategy with the one below).

Email Builds Momentum
Give good advice. People like to do business with folks they trust, with people who they know care about them and their business – especially their problems. So why not start a regular email newsletter that offers good advice or tips in your field? You could develop a set of ‘Tip Sheets’ on various tough problems, each giving a great solution that a local filmmaker needs to know. I have a file of useful data that I’ve gleaned through the years, and any or all of it can be made into tip sheets: how to ship raw stock safely, how to ship exposed film safely, how to protect gear in wet or cold weather, and how to work safely with animals, firearms, heavy machinery, speeding cars, boats, planes. Do not plagiarize, however – it doesn’t take much effort to write your own material (or to hire a good writer to do it for you).

DON’T SPAM. This is key: anyone included in your list must give you permission to email them, or you’ll create bad feelings. But professionals are always looking for better advice and new knowledge, so you shouldn’t have any trouble finding ‘subscribers’ to your newsletter. You can use your existing email database, building on it with additions from online references, from a drawing of customer business cards (winner: 15% off next order), or through any of several local professional associations.

Diversify your program. Your email campaign can be easily tied in with any – or all – of the techniques above. For instance, you might build Word-of-Mouth by offering a stack of Tip Sheets on your counter for customers to take back to their offices, or as ‘takeaway’ material at meetings or events around town. You can have each of your Tip Sheets printed on a single sheet, front and back, with your company name and phone number on it. Making them 8.5 x 11 (and formatted to that they can be punched for a binder) will make them more likely to be saved and used. Including an after-hours emergency number (or a box where you can write it in for particular customers) is a great way to develop that special ‘client relationship’ that will keep them coming back. Tip sheets can also be used as Direct Mail pieces, as a ‘takeaway’ when you you prospect at meetings, or as an additional item in the envelope when you make an offer of a new service or a special discount.

Or, you might use the Tip Sheet as the basis for an article like this one, offering it in the context of a Press Release to local trade papers or other related publications. Editors are always looking for material that will be of value and interesting to their readers, and having a publication’s audience note that you’re offering free advice will do much to keep your name recognition high.

So, there you have it – some quick and easy fixes for that woeful lack of publicity and public relations that’s been dragging down your bottom line. None of this advice is going to increase your revenues 20-30 % – very little can do that. But no one ever lost business by a concerted effort to put the company name out into the community so that people see it in the best possible light. You can find a writer to craft Tips Sheets or other newsletter items for you for a few hundred dollars, and an intern from a local school could manage your lists and delivery. Added to your budgeted advertising efforts, a small PR campaign could do your business a world of good.

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Going All the Way: Plan Early to Promote & Market Your Project

2009-03-22T12:44:00.000-07:00

Meeting with a prospective client about promotion of a feature film, I was shocked to learn that there was no key art – and that the film wrapped the previous summer without a single publicity photo being taken. In a great articlea couple of years ago, Ken Karn listed the deliverables necessary to sell a film to a distributor – without those materials, you might wind up owing the distributor money.

What is the lesson of these two anecdotes? For successful film or video promotion, you must start early. The minute you have principals attached, start building your promotional materials. To avoid problems later, develop your list of materials before you start shooting, so you’ll have time and money available to complete them.

How do you know what to put on that list? You could start by searching online for press materials, media kits, and other promotional material from your favorite films. Every studio movie has its own website these days, so you can glean clues there. You can also call a friend who has done it before – or someone who teaches at a local school. You can pick up materials from other filmmakers at the next festival you attend. By putting in a bit of sweat equity, you’ll get great rewards later.

Your materials should stay consistent during the life of your project, so choose paper and ink colors early and avoid changing them. Hire a graphic artist (or art student) to help you match the ‘look’ of your materials to your film’s genre and theme. Use red/white/black, for instance, for a shocker or horror film (creepy monster: toxic green). For a military story, khaki/tan/green suggest the army or marines, and blue/grey suggest the navy (air force: sea-green/blue).

Your Media Kit
Every successful project uses a Media Kit. Your needs will change, and the following elements are the building blocks and template for all kits: investor’s or distributor’s kits, press kits, EPKs (electronic press kits). Fit each item to a single page, with logo and contact information. Add longer Feature material later.

Some elements will change, depending on use, but the basics are: Title, Tagline, Logo, Company Background, Story Synopsis (one page), Photos, Bios (Writer, Director, Producers, Actors, DP, Production Designer), Crewlist, and Features (including Production Notes, Historical Data, and other items of interest).

The Title
Determine your film’s title early; use it consistently – make it short and catchy, giving clues about the film. Adding your tagline creates a full picture for the audience. Consider how some titles relate to action and theme:
Saving Private Ryan
The End of the Affair
To Have and To Have Not
The Jagged Edge
My Beautiful Launderette
Million Dollar Baby
Speed
Farewell, My Lovely
House of Sand & Fog

Some titles are catchy and seductive; others are simple and straightforward. Simpler titles generally rely on the tagline or visuals for impact. Consider how the press will use your tagline – for instance, ‘A Sinking Boat’ could become this review headline: ‘A Sinking Movie’ (don’t provide a weapon to ridicule your film).

The Tagline
A short phrase communicating an essential story quality, the tagline is similar to the title, but distinct. The tagline should be a phrase or sentence, though sometimes the title serves as a tagline.

Unfortunately taglines are often overlooked in marketing. Your tagline should contain just a few words to strike the target audience on an emotional level. Determine your tagline early, then use it consistently on everything dedicated to a particular market or segment – perhaps on all printed pieces.

Some examples* are:
“A story as explosive as his blazing automatics!”
“Where Evil Lives.”
“Nobody ever grows up quite like they imagined.”
“He's having the worst day of his life... over, and over...”
“Five Criminals. One Line Up. No Coincidence.”
“He has the power to make anyone's dream come true... except his own.”
“He Rode the Fast Lane on the Road to Nowhere!”

The Logo
Not every film has a logo, but if you choose one make it simple, recognizable and related to the film. It can be incorporated into poster design, or use it as a sticker (add your website’s url to create buzz about your film).

Company Background
Keep this to a paragraph or two, giving company history simply: where and when you started, where your principals worked previously, and what motivated you to make this film, form the partnership, or start your company. List all principals involved, but avoid duplicating bio material – keep things short and sweet.

Remember: you’ll be using this element a long time (perhaps to raise funds for your next project), so make references– your hometown, your ‘adopted city,’ your college or university – that may be useful as ‘hooks’ for later stories, such as ‘Hometown Girl Makes Good.’

Biographies
Bios should be short and to-the-point, giving interesting data without revealing private information. Mention hometowns but not schools (nobody cares about the school’s name anyway – they’re more interested that your star was a cheerleader or fullback). Be careful: bios live forever, and if your principals become famous you don’t want stalkers camped outside their parents’ homes.

Always end the bio with a credit list. Principals have no credits? Use school projects. Remember, brevity is important, so replace hard data with life motivation or interest in making your film. Try to print all bios two or three to a single page.

On the Crewlist, double check: all names spelled flawlessly and all credits listed accurately.

Photos
Early on, you won’t need photos in your kit. Collect photos when you’ve signed one or more actors or a well-known director – ‘well-known’ in your city, if not Hollywood or New York. You’ll eventually need key art (pictures of the film’s characters in action – NO equipment in the frame) and production shots (‘backstage,’ composed clearly: director and star, stuntman prepping a fall, etc).

Start with 5x7’s instead of the standard 8x10’s you’ll need later; ‘gang’ two 5x7’s on a single 8x10 to save money. Your pictures should be crisp, ‘contrasty,’ and in focus. Tell your photographer clearly that you want newspaper-quality (60-80 line screens – you don’t want shots requiring 150-180 lines).

Every picture should be properly lit and composed – by a professional. Amateur shots taken with a consumer camera will be useless later. The final pictures must be captioned, preferably with a concise description of action, and all persons in the picture should be identified from left to right. Remember: all names spelled correctly.

The Internet
No filmmaker can ignore the usefulness of a website. Many films succeed only because of the internet, so use it to gain credibility and reach in the marketplace. Have your graphic artist or designer work on the website – whatever you pay is worth it.

Your Media Kit elements, especially if already developed into an EPK, can translate directly to your website – each on a separate page if you want.

~ ~ ~

Principles of Success
Marketing films is essentially no different from other marketing. You’ve determined your film’s specific audience – now it’s your job to reach them, out of millions of movie-goers. Plan your campaign in advance: capture them by keeping your message clear to your audience.

Of course, summer escapist action-adventures are handled differently from intimate character-driven stories – each must be marketed to its respective audience. But in the general marketing campaign, three principles apply for small pictures and huge studio blockbusters.

Many studies reveal the success associated with these vital principles; before starting your project, it’s crucial to understand and agree with them. Successful campaigns require commitment, investment and consistency. Without these, your efforts will be short-lived and you’ll risk failure.

Without a solid commitment, there’s no reason to begin. To succeed, commit to the overall plan and campaign – specific tasks for a set period. Advertising, promotion, and publicity almost never show measurable immediate results. Be willing to stick with the plan whether or not you see definitive results. Without a firm commitment, you might ‘leave the party too early.’

View as investment any money and energy spent on marketing – investment in the future of your film and your career. Investments in the stock market or property don’t accrue large profits – even on paper – quickly. The campaign can be altered to respond to new events, but once you’ve accepted it, stick with the plan. Like growing a business, advancing your career requires realistic and decisive planning, and proper execution. This costs money, so ‘stay in for the long haul.’

Any marketing plan must be consistent with the vision of the director and producer, with prevailing market conditions, with current offerings in the marketplace, and with your ability to deliver a quality product. For a comedy about young marrieds with a new baby, your audience might be new parents – so pick the magazines, TV or radio stations that serves this target audience. Your return on investment won’t justify promoting on a shock-jock show or in the AARP newsletter. Still, there are many innovative ways to reach your audience that are lucrative, if managed correctly.

By determining your level of commitment, investment and consistency, you can devise a more realistic plan than others who ‘jump in and take their chances.’ Your advantages: planning and foresight.

It’s never too late for a great plan in marketing, advertising, PR or promotion. Hire a pro to help you (www.reeldirectory.com). Take a long careful look at your film, your company, your career arc – then decide what you want to say about it. Test several Taglines and Titles with friends and colleagues. Decide how to best make your statement. And remember, your success means finding the appropriate audience, discovering their needs and wants, then showing them the value and entertainment that only your film can provide.

# # #

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
* Taglines from The Maltese Falcon, The House, The Kid, Groundhog Day, The Usual Suspects, The Last Tycoon, Five Easy Pieces.

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

The Pied Piper of the Cinémathèque

2009-03-21T02:36:00.000-07:00

In a case of the arts as precursor to life, the demonstration against the French government’s sacking of Henri Langlois in February of 1968 led to a small riot that would be the first of many riots in that year famous for civil unrest. The protest and general strike of May 1968 (leading to the election of a new parliament to replace the DeGaulle government in June) were outgrowths of that first protest over the Cinémathèque Française in February.

Not the first cinémathèque in the world, nor the largest, still Langlois’ creation was singular in its depth and breadth – Langlois collected everything (especially early fragile silent films), and saved thousands of films from the Nazis by numerous wily schemes. He has never really been accorded the honor that such a feat deserves, though the protests in the gardens of the Palais de Chaillot were a good start.

The protests over Langlois weren’t limited to the streets – the French press, as well as many famous and influential people, supported Langlois in scathing letters and telegrams to the civil government (Orson Welles, Fritz Lang, Charlie Chaplin, among many others). But the fact that the first people to take to the streets were cineastes is, I feel, significant, for in those days, filmmakers were truly perceived as artists, and indeed many were artists and poets as well as writers and intellectuals.

The intersection of politics and cinema – what conservative types have been afraid of for years – had a brief bright moment in 1968, and then failed to ignite, as the entertainment value of film took over the collective consciousness.

No matter what anyone says about political or social uses of film today – Michael Moore and Al Gore notwithstanding – that early hope for political motion has not been fulfilled as many hoped it would be. The intellectual power of film has faded into the background, minimized by an attitude that film ‘artists’ – along with ‘intellectuals’ – are ‘quaint.

But an interesting thing happened… in an odd way, films continued to morph into TV, which took on a role remarkable in its simplicity.

In the seminal work The Art of the Moving Picture, Vachel Lindsay drew a clear comparison between movie houses and saloons, noting that the tone and tenor of public thought is drawn by the gathering-places of people. In Lindsay’s view, the moral tone of a saloon was suspect, while films that showed ‘social ideals’ could have a salutary effect on the body politic:

The shame of the American drinking place is the bar-tender who dominates its thinking. His cynical and hardened soul wipes out a portion of the influence of the public school, the library, the self-respecting newspaper. A stream rises no higher than its source, and through his dead-fish eye and dead-fish brain the group of tired men look upon all the statesmen and wise ones of the land. Though he says worse than nothing, his furry tongue, by endless reiteration, is the American slum oracle. At the present the bar-tender handles the neighborhood group, the ultimate unit in city politics….
So, good citizen, welcome the coming of the moving picture man as a local social force. Whatever his private character, the mere formula of his activities makes him a better type. He may not at first sway his group in a directly political way, but he will make himself the centre of more social ideals than the bar-tender ever entertained. And he is beginning to have as intimate a relation to his public as the bar-tender. In many cases he stands under his arch in the sheltered lobby and is on conversing terms with his habitual customers, the length of the afternoon and evening.

While very few influential producers or directors stand ‘in the sheltered lobby’ greeting audience members, they still hold a certain influence over the thoughts and motivations of those who follow their films. And Lindsay goes farther in his comparison, by alluding to the drain of one on the other: “Often when a moving picture house is set up, the saloon on the right hand or the left declares bankruptcy…”

Today’s bars tend to be places dominated by TV sets – often a dozen or more, even in the chain restaurants that line our suburbs. And while sports seems to be the main topic of interest related to these TV screens, still the screens will focus on certain issues that capture the attention of the voracious media. The democratization of TV has come in the form not of programming but of topicality: what the people are talking about is what stays on the screen… until the fickle public chooses another topic to chase. Still, a case of euthanasia in Florida or an uxorcide in our own backyard will capture the national imagination and spawn a host of imitative shows, from magazine-style exposés to movies-of-the-week.

Recommended works on Langlois & the Cinémathèque:

Henri Langlois: Phantom of the Cinémathèque by Serge Toubiana, Georges Goldfayn, Françoise Foucault, and Pascal Rogard (DVD - Aug 15, 2006)

A Passion for Films: Henri Langlois & the Cinémathèque Française by Richard Roud and François Truffaut (Paperback - Jun 17, 1999)

The Dreamers (NC-17 Edition) by Bernardo Bertolucci (DVD - Jul 13, 2004)

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2008 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

TRANSITIONS

2009-03-21T01:11:00.000-07:00

Welcome to CineScene.

I had intended this blog to be published in the magazine that I previously worked for, but it seems that (to put this in the kindest words I can find) I have been made a victim of the economic downturn. That’s transition # 1.

So I am shifting my writing to this blog, in hopes of attracting enough of an audience to make it worthwhile to continue. (Transition # 2.)

As I go along, I will include previous blogs, as they may be of interest to film professionals and movie fans.

And now for Transition # 3, the actual subject of this blog – changes in the film industry, exhibition side. Let’s start with a bit of history.

From 1981 to 2005, studio income from Theatrical Exhibition shrank from 58% to 21% of Hollywood’s total income landscape, while Video Sell-through grew from 7 % to 49%.

That’s a huge change, and it continues to haunt the landscape today – the stalled Screen Actors Guild negotiations are hinged to these figures in both directions: the actors want a bigger share of the pie, and the studios want to keep the bottom line down (read: pay as little as possible).

Meanwhile, from 1981 to 2005, Video Rentals (as a percentage of the whole) stayed the same, while Broadcast Network income dropped from 10% to 1%, and Basic Cable grew from nothing to 3% of the studios’ income.

Studio revenues account for 80% of almost $12BB in consumer spending on sell-through sales, while the studios gained only 47% of the $8.5BB box office, 26% of $8.25BB in rentals, and 21% of $8.4BB from Premium TV, excluding Video on Demand (VOD) and Pay Per View (PPV) – the remaining percentages went to distribution partners.

And in the nascent VOD and PPV areas, the studios took in 60% of $125MM in VOD receipts, and 48% of $200MM in PPV income.

Though they get good percentages on VOD and PPV (studio share, 60% and 48%, respectively), the income is not large enough to warrant major interest (a third of a billion dollars, or less than 1% of total income from all sources).

Clearly, the future of Hollywood is in DVD sell-through (studio share, 80%) – or whatever the next generation of consumer-owned titles will be.

It doesn’t take a math whiz to see that 47% of 21% (Theatrical Exhibition) is a whole lot less than 80% of 49% (Sell-through).

Ok, that’s the money, but let’s look at consumer motivation.

Previously, no one thought that people would want to own films the way they own books – a library at home of favorite titles.

But DVD ownership is a logical extension of the desire to own knowledge or at least to hold onto information, and someone other than a few Kassandras should have seen this trend in advance – people buy and keep books, even though they may read them only once or twice in the time of their ownership.

In 1998, the first year that DVDs were offered on the market, DVDs represented about 8% of total ‘home video’ sales (total sales of $6.5BB).

But by 2005, DVDs had virtually wiped out VHS sales, having reduced them to just $500MM of the total $16.5BB – in 2006 there were virtually no VHS retail sales, and the market was static at $16.5BB. Translation: DVDs added ten billion dollars to the total income of retail sales, at the same time that they caused a decline of $5.48BB in VHS sales – VHS declined to just 3% of the retail ‘video’ market.

Early projections that HD-DVD would outstrip standard DVD seem to be coming true, as Blu-Ray’s market share has grown.

In fact, ‘a la carte’ PPV, VOD, and Internet video promise to be the fastest-growing segment of the studios income stream in the coming years. The 2005 aggregate gross of those three segments was $ 37.8BB retail sales, with studio revenue estimated at $17.26 per transaction.

The numbers will look different now, but the preceding figures came from Adams Media Research, a topline marketing research firm.

So what does it all mean? It means that portable movies are the way of the future, whether on disks or thumb-drives, or stored in iPods or your cell phone. And when we say ‘portable movies,’ we actually mean any kind of narrative moving-picture experience – feature and short films, TV shows, cartoons. But that alone is only half the story.

Another segment of this tale of the future is in how the studios will handle exhibition – and that has a couple of noteworthy components. The first is acquisition.

Previously, each major studio need a new film for the pipeline every two weeks. Why? To hold places in the exhibitors’ (theater owners’) calendars, so that a film from a rival studio would not take that screen.

Studios pretty much figured on 24 films per year, and they initially made almost all of them in-house. The studios made a range of films, with different budgets and bound for different markets or audiences – many were small films that could be sacrificed to make room in the exhibitors’ calendar.

But as budgets soared and the value of money declined, the studios started negative buys. To fill in their slates, the studio acquisition reps bought films at festivals or at film markets – especially foreign films or those that would fit into ‘indie’ slots. In 2008, there was a feeding frenzy at Sundance, with bidding wars going on for acquisition of new indies.

Why? Because the studios had cut their production slates so drastically – they were making (a very rough) half of the number they had made a few years previous.

And at the most recent Sundance festival, reps were buying films they had not even seen. This interesting fact was printed on the same page that claimed that Box Office receipts were up for January, in spite of the predicted collapse of the American economy.

Ah, the American economy. Yes, the playing field is changing under our feet. And people are always looking to the last war – or, in this case, the last depression. I keep hearing that movies are ‘recession-proof’ and that people went to movies to escape their woes during the 30s. But theater tickets did not top ten bucks then, and the studios did cut budgets, like it or not.

There’s a big difference in two bits for an A movie and a B movie, plus cartoons and newsreels. And you could stay in the theater all day if you chose – which many people did, to say out of the cold in the winter and out of the heat in the summer.

But let’s get back to the second component of how Hollywood will handle exhibition in an uncertain future: marketing.

We hear much of the long tail these days, and not enough people know what that means. In the case of exhibition, the long tail means finding niche markets or select groups to whom to promote a film.

Gone are the days of full-page ads – hell, there may not even be newspapers around when you are reading this – and marketing to a wide audience. Using focused marketing, the studios can reach only soccer fans or only horror fans or only tightly-framed demographics.

As costs go up and marketing techniques become more sophisticated (and your personal preferences become commodities traded behind the computer screen), we will see the entire scale of marketing change.

And that’s the topic for a future CineScene blog!

(Well, along with why you won’t really have to worry about watching films on your phone.)

David Hakim is an assistant director, producer, and publicity expert who developed campaigns for every major Hollywood studio and handled publicity for the Motion Picture Academy. Find him in the Reel Directory online: www.reeldirectory.com.

All material copyright 2009 David Hakim and may not be duplicated - ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.